Blotter o’ the Week: A man who was spotted sitting on a stranger’s porch told police that he had been drinking moonshine. Insert Southern stereotype here.

As an employee unloaded a restaurant supply truck in a parking lot, two men stole 12 cartons of heavy cream, two-and-a-half gallons of liquid sanitizer, a box of scrub pads, and 20 boxes of pasta. They threw the supplies in a garbage can and tried to walk off with it, but police nabbed them before they could open their super-clean restaurant that only serves pasta in cream sauce.

A man and a woman were filmed on surveillance cameras shoplifting 19 packages of tooth-whitening strips. Here’s hoping they smile in their mugshots.

Stolen From Vehicles This Week: Two GPS units, a police radar detector, a digital camera, a $150 pair of sunglasses, three car stereo systems, an iPad, $200 in cash, $170 in gift cards, a pack of cigarettes, a bag of clothes, a laptop computer, a hoodie, two headrest TV screens, a DVD player, a credit card, two debit cards, a Veterans’ Administration ID card, two driver’s licenses, a license plate, a cordless drill, a paycheck, and a chewy granola bar.

While patrolling an area where a lot of narcotics sales have taken place recently, police arrested a young man for loitering in front of a convenience store. The officers contacted the man’s mother, who told them that “she does not trust leaving her son at home, therefore she drops him off at the store, where he hangs out all day,” according to an incident report.

Police spotted a man sleeping outside an apartment building. The man asked permission to pee on the side of the building, and the officers told him no, but he did it anyway. He was arrested on charges of trespassing, public intoxication, and public urination.

Negative Feedback o’ the Week: After receiving a citation for using a fake ID while trying to get into a club, a woman told police, “It’s been a pleasure dealing with you. Fuck you!”

Somebody stole a man’s credit card number and used it to buy two New York Knicks tickets for $250. That’s a technical foul.

A man pawned a belt sander for $50 just 17 minutes after it was shoplifted. He’ll have a hard time smoothing things over with store management.

Wrong Answer o’ the Week: When police asked a man who was accused of criminal domestic violence to tell them his name, he replied, “Oops, I forgot my name.” Police handcuffed the man and got his ID from the victim.

A police officer woke up a drunk man and asked him for an ID, and the man replied, “I Congressman.” When the police officer asked if the man was a Congressman, he replied, “Uh huh. Congressman. I went to Trident.”

Moped Injury o’ the Week: A man woke up in the middle of the night and saw someone shaking the handlebars on his locked moped. Later, after he went outside, the moped owner “realized that the handlebars were sprained,” according to a police report.

According to the friends of a man who was arrested for public disorderly conduct one afternoon, the man had been drinking a lot and needed to sleep it off. Only instead of sleeping it off, he was dancing around barefoot in the middle of a busy intersection with his pants around his ankles and his penis hanging out.

A loss prevention officer stopped a man and a woman before they could shoplift two packs of bed sheets valued at $245 in total. They didn’t even get to make their bed before they had to lie in it.

When police asked a man hanging out at a grocery store how much he had been drinking, he replied, “Cracker, that ain’t got shit to do with you. So what if I been drinking?” He was arrested on a charge of public drunkenness.

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