Stolen from vehicles this week: Two curling irons, a smoothing iron, 10 hairbrushes, one GPS unit, a purse, a Social Security card, a passport, insurance paperwork, a pair of sunglasses, a health insurance card, a college ID card, a license plate, and a 9-mm pistol.

Optimist o’ the Week: A man who was living in a house with a broken door lock waited six days to call the police after he discovered that his laptop computer was missing. When asked why he had waited so long, the man replied that “he thought someone may bring his computer back to him,” according to the police report.

A woman told police that someone had been stealing bank statements, utility bills, and junk mail from her mailbox. She’s obviously furious that someone else is finding out about the great sales at JC Penney.

While working in a restaurant kitchen, a man got in an argument with a coworker and threw a hot oyster at him, causing cuts on the coworker’s face.

Two women, one wearing pink scrubs and the other wearing a security T-shirt with a badge on it, are suspected of stealing a $100 pair of high-heel shoes from a downtown store. Whom can we trust in this topsy-turvy world anymore?

The day before Easter, a woman attempted to shoplift two bags of Skittles, three bags of jelly beans, a bag of Snickers, and a bag of Airheads from a grocery store. It was an egg-regious crime.

Shoplifting Haul o’ the Week: A man stole a chainsaw from a store and returned five days later to steal some DVDs.

When an officer asked a drunk man where he was from, all he would say was “creek.” When the officer asked how the man planned on getting home, he just kept repeating the word “creek” over and over again. Is it too much of a stretch to assume he meant Goose Creek?

A bartender told police that a drunk man had been hitting bar patrons lightly with his elbow while yelling loudly. When an officer told the man he needed to find a ride home, the man walked to a bar next door, sat outside, and cried. The man was arrested on a charge of disorderly conduct.

The manager of a bar called police when an extremely drunk man refused to leave the bar’s front patio and then fell asleep and drooled on himself. When police asked the man for his identification, he pulled his keys out of his pocket and stared at them.

Accused Coke Dealer Nickname o’ the Week: “Slim”

According to a hotel employee, a guest broke an elevator door off its hinge, knocked over a table in a hallway, and punched a thermostat in a hotel room where he was staying, creating a hole in the drywall. When asked how much he had been drinking, the man replied, “two or three beers.”

Somebody stole two soundboards, some cables, and an iPod that were placed on a downtown sidewalk around 1:15 a.m.

While on patrol around 3:30 a.m., a cop saw a man chasing his roommate through the street while carrying an open can of beer. The cop told the two to pack it in for the night, and they did. Fifteen minutes later, the cop responded to a noise complaint at the same address and saw the roommates had dumped the contents of their recycling bin in the street and were sorting through it with some homeless people. “The city is full of shit!” one of the roommates explained. “They never come pick up our fucking recycling on Wednesdays like they’re supposed to!” The cop convinced the two men to go inside by pulling out his handcuffs. Ten minutes later, the cop returned to the same address for yet another noise complaint, smelled marijuana through the house’s doorway, and arrested the roomies on disorderly conduct charges after they got loud and belligerent.

Hospital employees called police to remove a man who was swaying in front of a soda vending machine and refusing to move. The man told police he had taken two oxycodone pills and said the police were only messing with him because he was a felon.

Hulk-Out o’ the Week: A woman told police that she broke her boyfriend’s apartment window while knocking on it to wake him up. The boyfriend confirmed the story.

Somebody stole a floating dock from behind a house.

While in the process of trying to steal a $3 belt from a store, a particularly brazen shoplifter approached a store employee and asked about some cell phones in a display case. The employee spotted the belt and called police, who arrived and arrested the man.

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