Blotter o’ the Week: After setting two fires at his campsite near Morrison Drive, a man wearing camo pants and combat boots stood by the road and threw a crutch, a fire extinguisher, a folding chair, an American flag, and a sleeping bag into the roadway.

After pulling a driver over for failing to stop at stop signs, an officer looked in the vehicle’s floorboard and saw a pistol. It turned out to be a toy water gun, but while he was searching the car, the officer also found two open containers of beer.

Tough Talk o’ the Week: “When he got in my face, I bit him in the mouth area and pushed him away from me.”

A man returned to his apartment to find that someone had stolen, among other things, $600 worth of loose change he’d been keeping in two huge jugs. Talk about getting nickeled and dimed.

During an argument with his girlfriend, a man broke the screen on a television. The TV glass cut the man’s wrist, and his girlfriend retaliated by breaking his Xbox. By our count, that’s two points for the girlfriend, zero points for the boyfriend.

Txt Msg Threat o’ the Week: “U beta pay for all dat shit or ima bust all dem fckin windows to ur fckin house i fckn dead ass serious.”

After getting pulled over for several moving violations, a driver looked nervous and kept trying to remove his key from the ignition, bumping the windshield sprayer switch in the process and spraying water on the officer several times. There was an open bottle of vodka in the vehicle, and the driver said he had taken Adderall.

Somebody stole a $400 painting from a tent that was zipped up in Marion Square overnight.

Stolen From Vehicles This Week: A GPS unit, an iPod, a dirtbike, two purses, two wallets, three driver’s licenses, seven debit cards, three credit cards, three checkbooks, $163 in cash, Oxycontin, Xanax, Seroquel, Lortab, gym clothes, a pair of white sneakers, and three tuition checks made out to a daycare center.

While questioning a man on the sidewalk, a cop noticed the man “was sweating profusely despite the relatively mild temperature outside,” according to a police report. Could’ve just been a Yankee.

Five boat rudders and a propeller were stolen from a backyard. Sounds like somebody went a little overboard.

A shirtless, shoeless man set up a lawn chair at the end of a dock, drank one-and-a-half Four Lokos, and yelled at people for a while. When police stopped him, the man announced, “I came out here to get some sun and get fucking high, man.” He also told the officer that he would “kick your ass in court.”

Someone broke into an apartment and stole two boxes of Christmas decorations, a Precious Moments nativity scene, and a print of a painting of Rainbow Row. Either this thief loves pastels and tinsel, or he had a disappointing day at the pawnshop later on.

What I Learned From Police Reports This Week: According to an incident report, experience has taught local cops that when someone shouts out the phrase “One time” on the street, it’s “a warning to others that police are in the area.”

A family with kids watched in horror as a man stood just a few feet away from them and peed on the ground between some park benches. When confronted about it, the man said it would take a DNA test to prove he was the culprit.

Marijuana Possession Excuse o’ the Week: “I have a lot of people in my car. I drive people to concerts. Anyone could have been in my car.”

A man tried to steal $200 worth of socks and Pokémon cards from a store, but a security officer stopped him. Shoplifters: Gotta catch ’em all.

Upon getting his van towed, a man told police, “Man, I’ve got some medicine in there that you’re not going to like. I mean, I’ve got a prescription, but y’all won’t recognize it in this state.” Pop quiz: How many states allow both medical marijuana and the use of the word “y’all”? (Give up? The answer is zero.)

Somebody stole a debit card and racked up $2,000 in charges at Carnival Cruise Lines, $1,855 at LivingSocial, and $1,407.95 at a craft supply store. That’s a whole lotta yarn skeins.

Stay cool. Support City Paper.

City Paper has been bringing the best news, food, arts, music and event coverage to the Holy City since 1997. Support our continued efforts to highlight the best of Charleston with a one-time donation or become a member of the City Paper Club.