Whatever you do this Sept. 11, do not go to Washington, D.C. In fact, I would advise anyone who lives there to get the hell out the day before.

Now, I know what you’re thinking, but the answer is no, Uncle Sam hasn’t issued a terror alert, and my sources in the vast liberal conspiracy to bring down the U.S. government haven’t said squat about any sort of attack. For some unknown reason, Teddy Kennedy isn’t returning my calls, and well, Harry Reid hasn’t answered any of my emails since he caught me in a three way with Rachel Maddow, Lawrence O’Donnell, and the cryogenically frozen head of Josef Stalin. (Harry, if you’re listening, next time we’ll be sure to send you an invite. My bad. But seriously, man, sometimes you get a little too handsy.)

I also tried to reach out to the NSA, but apparently, they’ve got caller ID and they won’t pick up.

You know, on second thought, maybe I shouldn’t have sexted them last Saturday at 3 in the morning and, well, the 13 nights before that. (Ted isn’t the only member of the liberal elite who isn’t returning my calls. I’ve left over two dozen messages for my Sexaholics Anonymous sponsor, Anthony W., and that dickmunch still hasn’t gotten back to me. I did get a couple of photos back. I tell you, that guy is the Ansel Adams of crotch shots.) 

Anyhow, I’ve gotten off track. You don’t need to know who my Facebook friends are. You need to know why you shouldn’t be in D.C. on Sept. 11, 2013. Well, apparently, that’s the day that the folks at the American Muslim Political Action Committee are set to launch a Muslim invasion of our nation’s capital, and by invasion, I mean a Million Muslim March, and by that I mean a poorly attended Million Muslim March of, let’s say, 55,000 people, give or take a Taco Bell drive-thru pitstop.

Now, I hate to say it, but I agree with the mouth foamers on the Far Right who are upset that the American Muslim Political Action Committee chose Sept. 11 to hold their march against the discrimination of demonization of Muslims in America. That’s just fucking tacky. Like offering half-off wing specials, $1 Mich Ultra suppositories, and a “I’m a Proud to be an American” karaoke battle royale to celebrate the single worst day in American history. Oh. Wait. What’s that you say? There’ll be a wet T-shirt contest? Well, brother, count me in. 

Surprisingly, Sean Hannity, Glenn Beck, and the rest just might be onto something. Apparently, the head of AMPAC, M.D. Rabbi Alam is a 9/11 Truther and anti-Semite. Yikes.

Of course, seeing as how this is America and all, Alam and his fellow marchers are allowed to peacefully assemble and speak their minds. Be that as it may, one loose coalition of God-loving patriots believes that although the Muslim marchers should be allowed to do their thing, that doesn’t mean that anybody has to hear what they have to say. 

A recently formed Facebook group called Two Million Bikers to D.C. is trying to rally their fellow flag-loving biker friends to ride to Washington on Sept. 11. Their mission: To remember the 3,000 men and women who died on 9/11 by filling D.C.’s streets with the window-shaking, headache-inducing rumble of two million motorcycles. Hey Alam, try being heard over that. Ha.

Not surprisingly, the folks behind the Two Million rally believe that our nation is currently engaged in spiritual warfare against the forces of darkness and they want to warn their followers not to respond to Facebook comments from pro-Muslims who are only trying to “trick you into saying the magic words to flag you and the page as haters.” Um. Mission accomplished.

When it all comes down to it, I don’t know about you, but I’ve got a bad feeling about this.

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