The folks over at Politico want to know why Anthony Weiner and Eliot Spitzer lost in their much ballyhooed return to politics when their fellow comrade in infidelity Mark Sanford didn’t. In fact, the noted online news site has come up with a list of well-thought out reasons to address this mind-boggler. If you’re an active politician with an active predilection for OPP and prostitutes, then you need to take them all to heart. They are:

Humility and likability are key

The competition matters

Not all manner of sin is equal

A spouse matters — and so does airing the truth early

Time is usually your enemy

New Yorkers are less forgiving than South Carolinians

Of course, if you live in the Palmetto State, you know that Politico has it all wrong. The truth of the matter is Mark Sanford won the election for one reason and one reason only: New Yorkers aren’t as stupid as South Carolinians

Now, I could go on and on and on, but there really isn’t any need. None at all. We all know this to be true. South Carolina is one of the most proudly dumb states in the U.S. and we have been for so long we can’t remember when we didn’t have to pray for divine intervention to help us tie our shoes or rub one off. Seriously, somebody please give us a hand.

The sad part of it is we cherish our ignorance like a starving dog cherishes litter box bonbons. We celebrate our idiocy like a chancre sore celebrates a well-shorn pair of testicles. We revel in our self-misanthropic mission to dismantle the public school system like a brain-eating amoeba revels in the soft gooey gray matter of a toothless catfish noodler who huffs freon and sports a collection of tattoos on his back made out of melted-down Connect Four pieces, all of which are images of the mudflap girl in various stages of intestinal distress. We are a pox on the vox populi, and an unpopped pimple on the backside of a bum who passed out in his own piss and shit. If the rest of the country had any good sense, they’d secede from us. Sadly, they won’t.

Even worse, they continue treat us as something other than the half-wit half-asses that we are, no matter how many times we prove otherwise. 

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