My fellow Americans. We are in the midst of a great and terrible struggle. The forces of darkness are on the march, and sadly, right here, right now, they are winning. If we don’t band together, evil will triumph. And we can’t let that happen. Which is why I urge all of you to join with me. Together we can stop Steve Spurrier before he takes over The State newspaper in its entirety.

As you have probably already heard, the powers that be at the Columbia daily have handed over the Sports Section to the University of South Carolina football coach. According to noted media watchdog Jim Romenesko, the publisher of The State has forbidden their sports columnist Ron Morris from writing about the Gamecock program, a move that was most likely made to appease the temper-tantrum tyrant of Cola Town, Steve “The Little Dictator” Spurrier, all because Morris had to the gall to criticize the Old Ball Coach for making some supremely asinine decisions on the field.

And because Morris spoke a truth that Spurrier didn’t want to hear, the head coach threw one press conference hissy fit after another. At the height the conflict, he threatened to quit his job if The State didn’t fire Morris. And while the powers that be at the newspaper didn’t acquiesce to his wishes, they surely appeased the Kim Jong-un of Williams-Brice Stadium when they told Ron Morris that he could never, ever write about Steve Spurrier and the S.C. Gamecocks ever again. And in Morris’ place, they have installed a man who is not only a Gamecock superfan, but a friend of Spurrier’s. 

While the staff of The State may believe that this will be enough to keep the Old Ball Coach from getting his jock strap in a twist, if history is any indication, Spurrier will not stop with the Sports Section. He will not be satisfied until he has control of the Lifestyle Section, the Obituaries, the Letters to the Editor, Parade magazine, and Cathy. Ack. And just as Hitler ruined the paintbrush mustache, when this is all said and done, no man will ever be able to wear a sun visor in public without earning the most hateful of stares from newspaper readers and sports fans.

Even worse, I fear that Spurrier has his eye on other publications. If we don’t do something, he might take over the Post and Courier, the Greenville News, the Sun Times, and Goose Creek Patch. However, he will never be able to get his hands on the Charleston City Paper. Never. We shall fight him on the blogs. We shall fight him on Facebook. We shall fight him on Twitter. We will never surrender, whatever the cost to our dignity may be. The State may have appeased Steve Spurrier, but we never will. Sic semper tyrannis.

As for powers that be at The State, you guys are worse than Neville Chamberlain. History will not judge you kindly.

And one final thing: Go Tigers!

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