Blotter of the Week: Police received a report of a man standing on a street corner urinating on passing cars. When an officer arrived, the man brandished a butter knife, and the cop warned him, “Drop the butter knife or you will be tased.” The man dropped the knife into some bushes and then started undressing, at which point the officer arrested him on a disorderly conduct charge, searched the bushes, and found some singed steel wool and a pusher stick used for smoking crack.

A bronze bust of Spoleto USA founder Gian Carlo Menotti went missing from a theater lobby in the 1990s, and now a friend of the family that had the sculpture made wants it to be located and displayed. The owners of the theater say the theater has changed hands many times since the ’90s, and they think the sculpture was merely misplaced. Busted!

Somebody stole a tractor that was parked beside an Elk Lodge.

Stolen From Vehicles This Week: Two gold sapphire bracelets, one ring, a set of pearl earrings, a one-carat diamond stud earring, a debit card, a license plate, two subwoofers, two amplifiers, a CD player, and a backpack leaf blower.

A woman returned home one evening and found a black sweater on her front porch chair that did not belong to her. Upon entering the house, she found that her coffee table, kitchen table, and chairs had been moved around. A window pane had also been knocked out, and the sheets on her bed were disheveled as if someone had been sleeping in them.

A runner says he got shot in the butt with a BB gun while running through a neighborhood.

Polite Offer o’ the Week: During a traffic stop, a driver told a police officer, “It’s my birthday tomorrow, and I got a little bud to smoke tonight with my boy. You can just have it.” The cop declined his offer.

When the staff at a sushi restaurant tried to tell a customer that he couldn’t drink on the sidewalk outside the business, the man replied by yelling, “Fuck you, you bitch. I am a contractor for the CIA, and I will kill you if you put your fucking hands on me.”

Weed Stash o’ the Week: A man was hiding 14 grams of marijuana in a paper bag from Wendy’s. “Where’s the beef?”

When police came to break up a loud house party, one of the men inside repeatedly told the officers, “This is some bullshit. Y’all are racist motherfuckers.” After refusing to cooperate, he was arrested on a charge of disorderly conduct.

Jackass o’ the Week: Witnesses at two separate restaurants accused a man of coming in for a drink and then exposing himself to them. One of the witnesses says the man threatened to pee on her. When police caught up with the man and asked him how much he had been drinking that evening, he replied, “Enough,” and while he was being searched prior to his arrest, the man said he was being raped.

Somebody stole two entire HVAC units from a building. Here’s hoping the criminal doesn’t get off scot-freon.

A woman was driving with open bottles of vodka and moonshine in the front passenger seat.

A man who was peeing on the side of an apartment building told police that he was watching the Dallas Cowboys game at his mother’s apartment upstairs when he had to use the bathroom, so he walked outside, bellied up to the wall, and started draining the Gatorade cooler, so to speak. When asked why he couldn’t use the bathroom inside the apartment, the man “had no reasoning why he went outside in public,” according to an incident report.

A woman found a note on the door of her apartment that said the following: “Dear inconsiderate assholes … If you don’t shut your fucking dogs up, I will do it for you. If they wake me up one more time, I’m calling animal control and the police. If they wake me up again, I will shoot them. Sincerely, THE ENTIRE COMPLEX!”

Shoplifting Haul o’ the Week: A woman is charged with shoplifting two pillows, some dog food, laundry detergent, a ham, shampoo/conditioner, liquid bleach, two bottles of lice soap, toilet paper, and a trash can. Total value: $176.25.

Police questioned a man who was standing in front of a restaurant and refused to leave. When they asked him what he was doing, the man said, “I was in that restaurant, and they got fed up with me. I don’t blame them; I am kind of mouthy.” He was arrested on a charge of public intoxication.

A man says that one of his baby-mamas called him while he was at work and announced that she was in the process of vandalizing his apartment. The man went straight home and saw that oil had been splashed all over his suede couches, television, and carpet, and the electrical cord to his microwave had been cut.

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