Blotter o’ the Week: A cop found a man in a Santa suit slumped against a wall in the bar district a few minutes before midnight. The man explained that he was participating in a Santa bar crawl event and didn’t know where his friends had gone. As three officers moved in to help the man to his feet, he called a friend and left a voicemail saying that he was “being accosted by four officers.” Police arrested the man on a public intoxication charge and threw him in the drunk tank, where no elves came to his rescue.

When law enforcement and EMS personnel arrived on the sidewalk outside a bar late at night, a man pushed a medic in the chest and screamed obscenities as police arrested him. He had to be put in leg irons “due to his constant flailing about,” according to a police incident report.

A woman was driving on a busy road one morning when she saw a man driving alongside her pointing a pistol in her direction. She swerved, causing a small collision with another car, and later saw the gunslinger leaving an ATM with his gun pointed toward the sky and a chihuahua beside him in the car.

A man operating a trash pickup claw accidentally knocked over a Post and Courier delivery box … What’s that you say? … No, we resent the accusation. Seriously, you guys, we had nothing to do with this.

Stolen From Homes This Week: A gold wedding band, a gold bracelet, $100 worth of clothing, a gold necklace with a frog charm, a white gold ring, a pair of hoop earrings, three laptop computers, two XBox 360s, a Playstation 3, a tablet computer, a Jessica Simpson purse, a cheetah-print wallet, $5 in cash, two lottery tickets, a debit card, a driver’s license, two car keys, a set of keys, and a tiara.

Somebody broke into a house and left a wad of spit on the doormat.

Punk Band Name Idea o’ the Week: A man called police to report that two men had been making “unauthorized waste deposits” in a dumpster he had set up beside an apartment building. We totally want to start a band called the Unauthorized Waste Deposits.

Police arrested a man who was drinking in Marion Square around 11 a.m. on a Saturday when the Farmers Market was in full swing. As the officer escorted the man out of the park in handcuffs, the man’s pants kept falling down, leaving his privates visible to all the watching world. The officer determined that the man was too drunk to hold up his own pants, so he handcuffed the man’s wrist to his belt loops. Still, the officer noted, the man had a large tear in his pants leg, and “since he was not wearing any underpants, an additional opportunity for citizens to be exposed to his uncovered genitals was present.”

A woman walked out to her car one morning and found that someone had keyed the paint job, smashed the tail lights, and poured cranberry grape juice in the gas tank. She suspects it was the work of her ex-girlfriend.

Law & Order Opening Scene o’ the Week: A couple decided to drive to the top of a parking garage at night to get a view of the city. When they got to the roof, they found a man lying on the pavement unconscious with a pool of blood coming from the back of his head.

A woman driving a brand-new sedan full of garbage and clothes blew through a stoplight right in front of a police officer. When the cop caught up to her, the woman giggled and danced and didn’t seem to appreciate the seriousness of the situation. She told the officer she was an African queen, sang “Wrecking Ball,” and said she was in charge of the city and the world. She also said she had not eaten in three days and “just wanted some Church’s chicken,” according to an incident report.

Jackass o’ the Week: After getting kicked out of a bar, a man returned to the bar patio and yelled, “Hey, you’re black!” at an African-American couple. He then reportedly put his arm around the woman in the couple and made rude sexual comments about her. Police arrived and gave him the option of calling a friend to come pick him up, but the man reportedly could not figure out how to call a friend.

A man was at his female cousin’s house picking up some belongings when they got into “a verbal argument over sugar,” according to an incident report. Things escalated when the man and his cousin traded blows, and they got weird when she hit him in the arm with a candle holder. So, it was Mrs. White, in the kitchen, with the candlestick.

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