Blotter of the Week: A convenience store clerk says a man walked into his store and stole two crates full of cigarette lighters. Prometheus strikes again!

Police received a report of an assault that took place on a residential street, but when they arrived, the alleged victim was giggling and slurring his words and couldn’t provide any details of what had happened except that the assailants were either seven or 20 “drunk college kids.” He couldn’t describe the location, time, cause, or manner of the assault. The cops gave up on the guessing game and handed the man a ticket for public intoxication.

When a police officer found a crack rock in a man’s pocket, the man told the cop it was “turkey.” That explanation didn’t fly with the officer.

A man went to his ex’s apartment to pick up some possessions from inside. When he entered the apartment, he got in an argument with the ex’s daughter, who grabbed a kitchen knife from the counter. The man shouted, “Y’all trying to stab me!” and pulled out a revolver, which he fired twice into the ceiling before running from the apartment.

Surveillance footage showed three young girls squeezing through the gates of a construction company’s garage and walking around with a stolen bush axe, garden rake, and weed axe in their hands. When they noticed that they were on camera, one of them took a long-handled tool of some sort and broke the lens.

At a traffic stop, a woman told police she had been trading her prescribed Adderall with a coworker for painkillers and sedatives. Drugs are a hell of a drug.

A grocery store manager informed police that a shoplifter had “willfully and wantonly” stolen two sushi rolls from the deli area. At least he didn’t willfully and wantonly steal any wontons.

Panty Raider o’ the Week: A woman walked into a store and stuffed five pairs of panties, a bikini, a pair of ballet flats, and some other clothes into her purse. This got a loss prevention officer’s panties in a wad, and the woman was busted on her way out of the store.

A couple walked out to their car one night and found the window broken and several items stolen from inside, including four pairs of designer sunglasses and a GPS unit. The thief also left a note written on one of the windows in either pink lip gloss or nail polish: “You know where I live now b*tch.” The couple says they have no idea who did it.

A woman walked into a store, took a pack of raw shrimp and a pack of tilapia filets out of the freezer, and tried to return it at the front desk for cash. A loss prevention officer smelled something fishy, and the woman was arrested on a charge of larceny by false pretense.

A man walked into a bar with a group of sailors and ordered a drink. After he paid his bill, he grabbed a guitar that was hanging on the wall and took off running down the street with it. A bar employee chased him and got the guitar back after he dropped it. Another employee noticed around the same time that someone had punched a hole in the men’s bathroom wall and kicked the toilet cockeyed. Really, what do you do with a drunken sailor?

By his own admission, a man at a playground pulled out a pistol and fired four rounds in the air. No reason was given.

A teacher noticed a blunt fall out of a student’s pocket and sent him to the principal’s office. It turned out the blunt contained tobacco and not marijuana, but when the boy returned to class, he bragged to his friends that nobody had searched his backpack. A cop searched the backpack and found a baggie with 1.5 grams of cocaine inside.

Stolen From Homes This Week: A sound system, a laptop computer, several pieces of costume jewelry, a $5,000 diamond-studded wristwatch, an iPad, a 46-inch flat-screen TV, a 32-inch flat-screen TV, a Playstation 3, five baseball hats, and a Navy-issued black coat.

A home healthcare worker is accused of stealing her 87-year-old patient’s debit card and using it to make 14 ATM withdrawals totaling $2,401.50.

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