Blotter o’ the Week: When he realized police had caught him urinating in public, a man took off running, sprinted through an alleyway, turned down a driveway, and hopped a six-foot fence to a carriage tour company’s private patio. Police found him hiding under one of the carriages. The report did not say at what point (if at all) the man zipped his pants back up.

While he was being frisked with his hands on the hood of a cop car, a man reached down in his pocket, pulled out a cell phone, and called his mom.

Two men were sitting on a sidewalk with open cans of beer by their feet. They said the beer was not theirs.

While being transported to jail in a van for using stolen credit cards, a man stuck his penis between the holes in the wall separating male and female prisoners and started masturbating.

Fightin’ Words o’ the Week: “Why the fuck would you ask me for a cigarette?”

A man carrying $32 worth of heroin told police, “It ain’t nothing, man, just a little bit I got.” It was not nothing. He was arrested on a possession charge.

After a month of arguing with his upstairs neighbor who was repeatedly playing loud music, a man was driving in to work when his truck started wobbling. He got out and discovered that someone had removed three of the five lug nuts on the front right tire. Isn’t there a country song about this?

At about 4:20 a.m., a man walked up to an officer who was watching traffic and said, “Hey, Officer, I think I have a warrant.” As it turns out, he did have a warrant for failing to go to court in Mt. Pleasant. The officer arrested him.

A man tried to drive his car after it had been booted. He ended up with a flat tire and damage to the vehicle’s suspension, trimwork, and running board.

Police stopped a man who was driving down the street in a golf cart while holding a red Solo cup filled with yellowish-brown liquid. When asked what was in the cup, the man said, “It’s water.” Eeeww, let’s hope not.

Somebody broke six car windows looking for things to steal. Nothing appeared to have been stolen from three of the vehicles, but the owners of the other three cars lost a Blackberry phone, $50 in cash, a gold bracelet, a ruby necklace, a 2.5-gallon air compressor, a 42-inch HDTV, a Lacoste bag full of clothes, and a 13-inch laptop computer.

Responding to an intruder alarm at a church, police found the front door unsecured. They found a woman kneeling at the altar and arrested her. When asked if anyone else was in the building, she said, “Yes. The Holy Spirit.”

Stolen From Homes This Week: Some extension cords, a gold and diamond ring worth $10,000, an $8,000 brushed gold Italian necklace, two pairs of earrings, three gold bracelets with quartz stones, a pair of peacock-colored earrings, two makeup bags with $600 worth of product inside each, and $3,000 worth of lawn care equipment.

A bar manager reportedly told a customer who had just had her phone stolen from her purse that he was “aware of numerous thefts inside the bar during the night.” Check your pockets, folks.

A man walked into a fast food restaurant and paid for a kids’ meal with a $50 bill. After getting his change and leaving the restaurant, he returned a few minutes later and paid for another kids’ meal with another $50 bill. Then he handed the cashier a third $50 bill and asked for smaller bills. All three $50 bills were counterfeit, of course.

After coming home from work, a man accidentally left his keys in the lock on the outside of his door. The next morning, he saw that someone had taken the keys and stolen his car.

An employee of a video kiosk company said he went to check on a video rental station and found a baseball-sized impact in the glass with cracks all around it. Late fees make us all angry, but this is no way to act.

Police stopped a man who was walking down the sidewalk with a shot of Fireball in a plastic cup. While he was being questioned, the man revealed that he also had a cup of vodka and Red Bull hidden up his sleeve. Police were not impressed by his party trick.

Police found $6,200 worth of heroin in the watch pocket of a man’s jeans.

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