Blotter o’ the Week: Passersby found a man lying facedown on the sidewalk with vomit on his shirt, pants, and arms. When he woke up, he told police that he had consumed too much wine at an art walk.

When police stopped a man who was walking down the middle of the street with a cane, he retorted, “I’m older than you! I can drink however much I want!”

Mall cops were alerted to a group of 15 kids who were horsing around near a car in the parking lot and jumping on the hood. They all got away, and when police arrived to assess the damage to the vehicle, they found that “the hood of the vehicle was severely damaged; the majority of the hood was concave.”

A church is listed as a victim in an incident report about a burglary. Its race, sex, and age are listed as “W F, 00.”

Car Haul o’ the Week: Somebody stole an iPad, a laptop computer, $3,000 in cash, and a radar detector from a vehicle that was left unlocked overnight. The owner said he knew in advance that his locks were broken and the car could not lock.

Two men were returning to their vehicle late at night when they saw a drunk man standing next to the car looking in through the window. When they confronted him about it, the stranger broke a window, started kicking the car, and punched one of the men in the face. When police arrived on the scene, they found the offender sleeping on the ground beside the car (no explanation was given as to how he fell asleep). Then he woke up and taunted the officer, saying, “Hey fat ass, I bet you like potato pies. I bet you want to sell potato pies, yup, potato pies.” He was arrested on charges of simple assault, damage to real property, and public drunkenness.

While a woman was in church, someone slashed two of the tires on her car, bent the antenna, and dumped sweet tea and squeezed lemons on the side of the vehicle.

An employee at a breakfast restaurant stole $2,700 in cash from the safe. In terms of employee loyalty, she’s a regular Eggs Benedict Arnold.

During a search of a man’s vehicle, an officer found a joint and a jar of what was described as “synthetic urine.” The man said he was trying to pass a drug test for an internship.

A woman walked into a gas station and told the cashier that she was a manager at another gas station and she was there to pick up three cartons of cigarettes. A police report about the event does not indicate whether the cashier bought the story and handed over the smokes, but the real manager is seeking a charge of larceny by false pretenses.

Somebody stole a credit card from inside a vehicle and used it to purchase $3.92 worth of food at a Chinese restaurant. So that’s, what, an egg roll and a Coke?

A man who frequently calls the police to report people parking in front of his house walked out one day and found that someone had painted the N-word on his window.

Somebody ran up to a man in a wheelchair and stole a bag from the back of his chair containing $450 in cash, prescription medication, a driver’s license, a cell phone, and some debit and credit cards.

Shoplifting Haul o’ the Week: A child’s blanket, a bag of charcoal, a basting brush, some Angus beef, a package of ribs, two packages of T-bone steaks, a bottle of wine, a package of corn on the cob, and an 18-pack of beer.

A drunk man called a police officer a dumbass and then adamantly denied saying it just moments later.

Somebody smashed the windows on three businesses in close proximity, including one that is run by nuns. Nothing was stolen.

A parking management company called police to report that someone had driven his car off after it was booted and kept the boot.

Police detained a man who was screaming at people in a bar while holding a bar stool over his head. While he was being arrested, the man explained, “They were trying to recruit me for the terrorist group. I had to knock them out.” Later, he added, “So you know about this terrorist shit and you’re not going to do anything about it? This is fucking South Carolina, we don’t have terrorists here! We are supposed to stick together to fuck them up.”

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