Blotter o’ the Week: Somebody broke into a mailbox and stole five soaps, a gift basket, and three gift cards that had been ordered as gifts. Be on the lookout for a green, furry person dressed like Santa Claus.

Responding to a loud noise complaint at 10 a.m., an officer found a woman leaning on the hood of a car while music was playing loudly from a speaker propped up on the trunk. She turned the music down, but the officer returned 10 minutes later and the volume was cranked back up. The woman said, “I’m sorry, alright, I’ll turn it down,” but the officer told her she’d already been warned and handed her a livability citation.

Two men walked into a hardware store. One distracted an employee by asking for a quote on some building materials while the other grabbed 29 Diablo saw blades and hid them under his shirt. Both men walked away, and management did not realize anything was stolen until they conducted inventory.

A man crashed a Jeep into another vehicle and then hopped out and ran away. After both vehicles had been towed, another man walked up to the scene of the accident and said the Jeep belonged to him.

A man was talking on the phone with his girlfriend while being questioned by a police officer. When the officer asked if he had anything illegal on his person, the man told his girlfriend, “Baby, I’m going to jail. I love you.” The officer found 20 grams of marijuana in the man’s pocket.

A cop saw a woman walk into a park, hike up her dress, and squat behind a wall. When the woman saw the officer approaching, she pulled her dress back down and took off running; meanwhile her friends were yelling at her not to run. When she finally stopped running, she told the officer she had done nothing wrong.

Police arrested a man who was walking down the sidewalk pushing over trash cans and other people. He was charged with disorderly conduct.

Somebody stole three floor edgers, a jigsaw, and a floor nailer from company vehicles.

A group of police officers had nearly finished breaking up a disturbance involving about 40 people late at night in a neighborhood when one approached the officers and shouted, “You think you have a cool flashlight, motherfucker?” When he kept yelling profanities and refused to quiet down, the officers arrested him on a charge of public disorderly conduct.

As a woman was going over her bank statement, she discovered that someone had fraudulently used her account at a travel booking website, an internet-based home phone service provider, a dating website, and a Ritz-Carlton hotel.

An officer stopped to talk to a man who was yelling profanities at a crowd of people on the sidewalk. The man told the officer, “Mind your own business,” and “I pay taxes 365 days a week.” The officer arrested him on a public disorderly conduct charge.

Responding to a report of an injured party, police found a man in a wheelchair with a pair of medical scissors sticking out of a pre-existing wound in his abdomen. The man said he had injured himself because he was angry about the treatment he received at a hospital and wanted to be transported to another hospital to get some antibiotics.

Serving a search warrant on a house, police found 14 grams of crack cocaine in a shoebox, some unmarked pills in a cabinet over the refrigerator, three marijuana cigarette butts on the kitchen table, a crack pipe under an end table, and a loaded gun in a bedroom closet. They also found cocaine residue inside a microwave.

Super-Vivid Description o’ the Week: When writing up an incident report about a public urination incident, an officer wrote that he “could see that both parties had a clear-looking liquid coming from their crotch area and could hear the liquid as it made contact with the gravel.”

A man fell out of the front door of a restaurant and hit his head on the sidewalk. When EMS medics arrived to check on him, he repeatedly yelled at them, “Fuck you, I’m drunk!”

A man stole a tool bag containing a circular saw, a drill, two batteries, a charger, a flashlight, and a hand-held vacuum. Little did he realize the tools were owned by the City of Charleston, and the bag was equipped with a GPS tracking device. Police tracked the bag and arrested the thief.

A woman fell asleep in the lobby of a hospital. When she woke up, she realized someone had rifled through her bag and stolen her wallet, driver’s license, Social Security card, birth certificates, credit cards, student ID, locket, a piece of paper containing her PIN codes, and $42 in cash.

After discovering a gash in the side of his car’s front driver’s side tire, a man called police to report an act of vandalism. When asked about his driving habits, the man said, “I usually hug the curbs.”

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