Blotter o’ the Week: For the second time in a month, a cashier caught someone urinating into a beverage cooler at a convenience store. This particular guy agreed to pay $76.97 to cover the damage to the cases of beer he had peed on.

After getting caught with 24 grams of marijuana, a man attempted a daring getaway. He had already been handcuffed, so he tried to pass his legs through his arms to get his hands in front of his body. When that failed, he took off running with his hands behind his back, tripped, and fell, scraping his face, left knee, and left elbow.

Around bar closing time, a very drunk man walked up to the chief of police and started talking to him. Another officer approached and tried to get the man a cab ride home, but when the man refused to answer his questions, the chief and the officer placed him under arrest on a public intoxication charge.

Two women somehow managed to shoplift 11 packs of chicken wings, four bags of ice, 14 18-packs of light beer, and an unknown quantity of steaks and dish detergent without getting caught. Grocery store employees said the women used shopping carts and unloaded their haul into a pickup truck.

Historian o’ the Week: After a man from Georgia got caught urinating on the northern side of the John C. Calhoun statue in Marion Square, he told the officer that he was doing it because he “did not agree with the beliefs of John C. Calhoun,” according to a police incident report.

During a DUI stop, a man told a police officer he’d had “two drinks” at a bar downtown. After failing a field sobriety test, he blew a blood alcohol content of 0.28 percent, or three-and-a-half times the legal driving limit. Must’ve been some mighty stiff drinks.

When a police officer found marijuana in a man’s cargo pants pocket, he said he’d been wearing the pants for four days and had forgotten he was carrying weed.

After admitting to drinking four glasses of peppermint schnapps in the course of an hour, a man reassured a police officer that he was “perfectly capable of driving his moped as an expert,” according to an incident report. A field sobriety test indicated that he was, in fact, not capable.

Police found a man snoozing in his car with a cup of whiskey beside him. The vehicle was parked in the middle of an intersection at 2:25 a.m.

A police officer found a man crawling on his hands and knees near a railroad track. The man had crack cocaine in his jacket pocket and razor blades in his wallet.

A cop saw a man trying to kick a car that was parked in the street, but he noted that the man only made contact on every fourth or fifth kick. When the officer asked him why he was attacking the car, the man replied, “My fucking girlfriend broke up with me.” When the officer arrested him on a public disorderly conduct charge, the man said, “C’mon, man, we all do stupid shit when we are young and drunk.”

While handcuffed and sitting on a curb for shoplifting, a man somehow managed to reach down and grab several buprenorphine and clonazepam pills that the cops had found on him. He swallowed the pills before the officers could stop him.

Pee Crime o’ the Week: A police officer watched as a man walked into the middle of a street, “exclaimed an obscenity that referred to his penis as he pointed at his crotch area,” and then started whizzing on the street. If you’re gonna whiz in public, you might as well whiz boldly.

A woman left an alpaca purse containing $2,000 cash hanging from a hand sanitizer dispenser in a public restroom. When she realized what she had done and returned to the restroom, the purse and the money were nowhere to be found.

Somebody stole 18 lumber beams from a construction site that were valued at about $4,000. Really makes you pine for simpler times.

Scam o’ the Week: A man called a 61-year-old woman and told her that she owed the IRS $1,000. The man on the line told her to go to the bank, pick up the money in cash, and meet him at a grocery store to make the payment.

Two days after getting fired by a maintenance company, a man took his company credit card to a hardware store and used it to buy a $500 cordless power tool kit.

A woman called police to report she had left the door to her apartment unlocked and someone had turned back the covers on her bed and urinated in her dog’s food bowl. Nothing was stolen.

A disgruntled former maintenance employee is suspected of stealing nine 37-inch TVs from a hotel.

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