Blotter o’ the Week: A cop found a man and woman on a mattress by the interstate. The woman had no pants on, her legs were spread, and there was an empty bottle of Canadian whiskey beside the mattress. When the officer approached them, the man complained that the cop had “ruined our foreplay” and that they “were about to do a little bump and grind.”

While on night patrol, a cop spotted a man leaning face-first against a palmetto tree peeing on the sidewalk. The man tried to run away and then apologized when the officer caught him.

After getting arrested for indecent exposure, a man told a police officer, “It’s my dick, I can touch it if I want. Am I not allowed to touch my own dick? Are you going to touch it for me?” The officer did not touch it for him.

Friends o’ the Week: A police officer found a man passed out face-down in a parking lot and reeking of alcohol. When the man woke up, he said he’d been drinking all day and that his friends had dropped him off there and left. He was foaming at the corners of his mouth.

A man left his boat at a marina for two months. When he returned to it, he found garbage, leftover food, and abandoned clothes inside. The boat’s toilet was also clogged with toilet paper and human waste.

Somebody snuck into a storage facility through a hole in the fence and cut the locks to 25 storage units.

A woman found a cell phone in her shopping bag that did not belong to her. She told an officer it might have fallen off a counter into her bag while she was checking out at a store.

A woman called police because her neighbor was shooting a BB gun at her dogs. When an officer showed up, the neighbor was shouting unintelligbly at the woman. The officer arrested him, and he started “bowing out his chest” and trying to walk toward the woman, according to an incident report. He was charged with simple assault and discharging a spring-loaded gun.

Twice within an hour, a bouncer had to escort customers off of a bar’s premises because he had caught them snorting coke in the men’s room. Guess you could say they blew their cover.

A 26-year-old man was seen hanging onto the back of a moving pickup truck while riding a skateboard. He fell off, and the truck drove away. When an officer stopped to see if the man was injured, he said that his friend was driving the truck, but that he didn’t know his friend’s name. Rad story, bro.

Catch o’ the Week: When his credit card was declined for an $8 taxi fare, a man threw some coins at the driver and ran away. An officer found the man hiding in some brush along a marsh and arrested him. Then the officer ran a criminal search on the nickle-and-dime bandit and found out he was also wanted on warrants out of Pennsylvania for forgery and terroristic threats.

Around 12:30 a.m., a man was seen running in traffic with a shopping cart. A crowd gathered to watch him on the sidewalk, and he picked up the cart and threw it at them.

A cop broke up an argument between a man and five taxi drivers. The man told the officer, “I can see why you drunk I’m drunk … You know what I mean, jelly bean?” The officer arrested him on a public drunkenness charge.

Perfect Crime o’ the Week: A woman took her car to a car wash to have the interior cleaned. When she picked it up, she discovered that two gold necklaces were missing from inside. Police responded to the scene but were unable to process the inside of the vehicle for fingerprints because the entire thing had been wiped down with cleaning chemicals.

A drunk man who was found lying on the ground behind someone’s house told an officer, “Yes, this is my home in Massachusetts.” Damn carpetbaggers.

Around 3 a.m., about 15 people got in a fight outside a bar. After an officer broke it up, one of the combatants started yelling at him for not breaking it up sooner, saying, “I got punched in my fucking face.” The cop asked if he needed EMS, but the man said he didn’t and then refused to leave the area. The cop arrested him on a public disorderly conduct charge.

A police officer stopped a man who was stealing clothes from a thrift store dumpster and ended up finding some Xanax in a plastic baggie in his car.

Red Card o’ the Week: During an argument about soccer at a Mexican restaurant, one man punched another right in the face.

After getting in a fight at a bar, a man tried to run from a police officer and got his pant leg caught on a fence while trying to climb it. The cop helped detach him from the fence and then arrested him.

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