Cop Joke o’ the Week: An officer saw two college students standing in the top tier of a fountain and told them to get down. When the cop noticed that one of the students was wearing an athletic singlet with the college’s logo on it, he asked if they were current students. “Yeah, he and I are on the rowing team,” the student said. In a report about the incident, the officer wrote, “I reminded them that the fountain was not a body of water suitable for rowing practice and asked for their identification.”

A cop was on patrol in a parking lot and saw a car parked away from all the other vehicles. A man and woman were inside listening to music and cuddling under a blanket. When they opened the window, a cloud of weed smoke billowed out, and the officer ended up giving the woman a ticket for marijuana possession.

A man and his girlfriend were in a convenience store when a stranger walked up and told the girlfriend, “Dance for me,” while waving dollar bills around in his hand. The man told the stranger to leave his girlfriend alone, and the stranger sucker-punched him in the face before running away and catching a taxi.

A good Samaritan lent his cell phone to a stranger who said he needed to make a call. The stranger took the cell phone, walked into a nearby mall, and sold it for $80 at a kiosk that gives cash for phones. He made the transaction and ran away before the phone’s owner could catch up with him.

Somebody stole a $500 cooler and siphoned off $100 worth of gasoline from two boats that were left in a parking lot over the weekend.

A man sold his 50-inch plasma television via Craigslist for $350. After three men came to his house and bought the TV with three $100 bills and a $50, he realized that all three Benjamins had the same serial number, and he suspected the $50 was a counterfeit as well. Sounds like he just inadvertently donated his plasma.

Cocaine Stash o’ the Week: In a plastic bag inside a basketball shoe in the trunk of a car.

A man was seen stumbling down the stairs from a nightclub with cocaine residue under his nose while carrying two bottles of beer and attempting to zip up his pants. He made it all the way to the bottom of the stairs before falling down, at which point a bouncer took the beer bottles from him and a police officer arrested him on a public drunkenness charge.

A student says her roommate threw out her artwork that was sitting on the kitchen counter. She told police it’s not the first time her roommate threw away her property.

Residents of an apartment complex found a man from North Carolina sleeping in their laundry room around 3:30 a.m. When a police officer arrived on the scene, the man said he was in town for his brother’s bachelor party.

A man walked out to his driveway one morning and saw that someone had slashed a tire on his car 15 times. He found a note on the windshield that said, “Come around a corner like that again, and this will be the least of your worries. Kids live here, asshole.”

Wet Bandit o’ the Week: After police arrested a man on a disorderly conduct charge, he got in the back of a patrol car and said, “I’m going to piss all in your car.” An officer told him not to do it, but he said, “I don’t give a shit,” and then urinated all over himself, laughed, and said, “I told you I’d piss in it.”

A man was seen swaying back and forth on the edge of the property line at a fried chicken restaurant, asking passersby for money. When police arrived on the scene, the man said he was drunk and needed more beer.

Somebody stole a $1,400 cooler from an ice cream shop. Here’s hoping justice isn’t soft-served.

A man ordered a meal at a seafood restaurant, and when the bill came out, he informed a manager that he had lost his debit card and asked if he could return the next day to pay his tab. The manager says he agreed to that arrangement after taking some of the man’s property as a security deposit, but when they spoke on the phone the next day, the man refused to pay his bill.

A man walked out of a building that had a public restroom and then peed in a nearby park.

Bouncer o’ the Week: A security guard at a bar says that when he tried to stop a man from cutting in line, the man took a swing at him. The bouncer told police, “I wrapped him up and head-butted him a couple of times.” EMS treated the customer for a bloody nose and cut lip, and then police arrested him on a public intoxication charge.

A woman got out of a limousine with a cup of wine in her hand. As soon as she noticed a cop standing on the sidewalk nearby, she dumped the cup in a bush and said, “Oops, that didn’t happen.” The Jedi Mind Trick: You’re doing it wrong.

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