Blotter o’ the Week: When a man walked into a convenience store and asked if there was any free food, the cashier said there wasn’t any free food but offered to buy him a hot dog. The man then grabbed 10 boxes of condoms, put them in a plastic bag, and walked out of the store without paying. Sounds like the only hot dog that interested him was in his pants.

A loss prevention officer saw a man in a wheelchair roll into a store, take two DVDs off the shelves, place them under his legs, grab a bag of cooked chicken, hide it behind his back, and then roll out of the store without paying.

A bicyclist tried to hop a curb to get around a garbage truck and ended up crashing against the side of the truck. One of the garbage collectors told him he should wait for EMS to check on his injuries, but the bicyclist left the scene.

A man was holding himself up in the doorway to a restaurant when an officer saw him fall face-first on the pavement, roll over, and say, “Oh shit, I’m sorry.” The officer had the man sit with his back propped up against the building while he wrote the man a citation for public intoxication, at which point the man vomited all over the sidewalk.

A man was in a mosh pit at a concert when someone punched him in the mouth, breaking two of his teeth. He told police he did not want to press charges, but he did want whoever did it to pay him some money to help fix his teeth.

Ex o’ the Week: A man was staying at a hotel awaiting military deployment when his ex-girlfriend asked to come see him. He said no, and the next morning he woke up to discover all four tires on his car had been deflated. He says that when he spoke with his ex on the phone, she said, “It would be a shame if you woke up and didn’t have any air in your tires. Then you wouldn’t be able to leave town.” He also received a text message from his ex that said, “When he think you crazy but he only seen level 1,” followed by 54 smiley face emojis.

Somebody opened seven phone lines under a church’s name, despite not being a representative of the church. And he’s buuuuyyying a phone line … to heaven.

While under arrest for trespassing and possession of drug paraphernalia, a man told police, “I only smoke crack when I talk with my father.”

Somebody broke into a car and stole five chainsaws, a smartphone, a GPS unit, and a tablet computer.

A bus driver told police that a man on his bus had ridden the entire route at least twice and was sleeping in his seat. He had a styrofoam cup of vodka with him. When an officer tried to escort the man off the bus, he was unable to walk without support and said he had drunk “a little too much.”

An officer responded to a call about a man trying to break into a house and found the man on the porch trying to open the door. Noticing that the man smelled like alcohol, the officer questioned the man, who said he was in Mt. Pleasant waiting on a friend. After the officer arrested him on a public intoxication charge and placed him in the back of a police cruiser, the man started hitting his head against the clear shield separating the front and back of the vehicle while yelling, “Police brutality!”

Weapon o’ the Week: A broomstick.

A man crashed his car into a parked vehicle, breaking his own car’s wheel off the axle, and was found in the driver’s seat with vomit all over his clothes. He was arrested on a charge of driving under the influence after failing a field sobriety test.

Embezzler o’ the Week: Somebody stole a company credit card and used it to buy $50 worth of donuts, a $10,000 diamond ring, and four plane tickets to Hawaii.

An officer walked over to a man who was lying down on a blanket and picked up an open beer can that was on the ground next to him. When the man realized the officer was standing over him, he said, “Oh shit … Write me a ticket,” and then lay back down.

A police officer saw a man lying on his back on a park bench with his pants open and his genitals hanging out, staring up at the sky. When the cop asked why he was exposing himself, the man said he had just “shit my pants,” then went back to staring blankly. He said he had taken some sedatives but could not remember how many he had taken.

A witness says he saw a man swerve in his car off the road, go airborne, and hit some trees. The witness was trying to check and see if everyone inside was safe when a man kicked out the back window, jumped out, and took off running. When police caught up with the man, they discovered he had two warrants out for his arrest. The driver and two passengers who were still in the vehicle were taken to the hospital, and the driver was cited for driving under suspension and reckless driving.

Somebody stole a trailer containing $8,000 worth of construction tools. What a tool.

Police responded to the scene of a fire at a playground after firefighters discovered that an accelerant had been used.

An officer saw a panhandler sitting on the sidewalk holding a sign that read “$PARAJUANA FOR THE NUGGLE$$” and wrote him a ticket for soliciting in a prohibited zone.

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