Blotter o’ the Week: A man whom police describe as a “known vagrant” was accused of grabbing a knapsack off the shoulder of a 13-year-old boy, emptying it on the ground, and telling the boy’s mother that he was “market security.” When police found the man and asked what he was doing, he said that “in light of recent violent crimes in the area, he took it upon himself to investigate suspicious persons and provide security for the market,” according to an incident report. Batman he ain’t. The officer arrested him on a disorderly conduct charge.

When an officer approached a woman who was swaying on her feet and slurring her words as she yelled at a man outside a bar, she said she was “just talking to these losers.” When the officer tried to flag her a cab to ride home, she took her shirt off. The officer arrested the woman on a public intoxication charge.

An officer turned on the blue lights after spotting a vehicle that appeared to have its windows tinted beyond the legal limit. The driver pulled over into the parking lot of an all-night diner, driving over the curb in the process. The officer looked in the vehicle and found two open containers of alcohol. The window tinting was also found to be illegal.

When an officer stopped a man on suspicion that he had just tried to sell crack cocaine to a woman on the sidewalk, the man said, “I hadn’t even served her yet. Y’all got me before I could.” He had about 4 grams, or $400 worth, of crack in his pants.

A man suspects his pet sitter of stealing $50 worth of restaurant gift cards and a prescription bottle of anti-inflammatory pain medicine from his house while he was on vacation. He also noticed upon returning that his birth certificate and Social Security card had been moved from a filing cabinet to a desk.

Somebody used a fire extinguisher to spray down every square inch of an apartment complex laundry room. The incident is marked as a vandalism in police records.

A prep chef arrived to work at a restaurant around 7:30 a.m. and discovered that someone had stolen the cash safe from the office.

Somebody stole a bicycle by forcibly removing the wooden porch railing to which it was locked.

In an ongoing feud between two neighbors, a woman called police to report that she suspects her neighbor of putting his garbage in a dumpster on her property.

A police officer ticketed a woman for having an open bottle of beer while waiting in line to enter a nightclub. That’s not how you pre-game, folks.

A police officer caught a man urinating in public 10 feet away from the apartment where he was staying. The man apologized and said there was only one bathroom inside and someone else was using it.

An officer was patrolling late at night and found a man lying on the sidewalk with his shirt open and his legs hanging out in the roadway. The officer had to rub the man’s sternum to wake him up before arresting him on a public intoxication charge.

When an officer stopped a man who was walking down the sidewalk with an open bottle of fruity fortified wine, the man said, “Someone just handed it to me.” Let that be a lesson: Never take booze from strangers.

A man told police that two young men had robbed him at gunpoint while he was in his car. As various investigators spoke with the man, they noticed that his story had several inconsistencies, that it changed each time he told it, and that he appeared to be “extremely intoxicated.” At various points in the interview, the man said the amount the thieves had stolen was $1,200, $6,500, and $12,000.

A grocery store’s loss prevention officer caught a man stuffing four entire boxes’ worth of energy drinks down his pants. Sounds like he wanted to have a 20-hour party in his pants.

When police responded to a call about a man who was sitting on the front steps of someone else’s house with his head in his hands, the officer approached the man and noticed that he smelled heavily of alcohol and his clothes were covered in dirt. The officer asked the man if he knew where he was, and he said, “Late Street. I’m on Late Street, man.” The officer informed the man that he was not, but the man insisted, “On Late Street, and it’s late, man.” The officer arrested him on a public intoxication charge.

When a police officer turned on his body camera while talking to some juveniles who were selling palmetto roses without a license, one of the juveniles said, “Get that camera outta my face,” and cursed the officer.

A police incident report made multiple references to some juveniles who had trespassed on private property to take “palm frowns from the palm tree” to make palmetto roses. Turn those palm frowns upside down!

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