Blotter o’ the Week: A restaurant manager heard someone screaming from a nearby parking lot and walked out to see what was going on. He found a screaming woman who had recently been kicked out for asking where she could buy drugs, holding a wooden board with nails sticking out of it. She yelled profanities at the manager and then hit him in the head with the board when he stopped her from re-entering the restaurant.

In the middle of the afternoon, police found a man lying on the ground in the fetal position with his pants around his ankles and his derrière pointing toward a nearby street. The man woke up and said he had been “partying a little too much” and “just wanted to take a nap.”

Somebody took a woman’s car key out of her purse in a gym locker room, used it to steal her vehicle, and then left the vehicle in a nearby parking lot with the keys inside. Bro, do you even lift cars?

A woman woke up in the middle of the night and discovered that her boyfriend and her car were missing. She called her boyfriend, and he said he had taken the car to the store for a few minutes and would return soon. When he hadn’t returned a few hours later, she called again, and he said he had run into a friend in the parking lot and was catching up with him. At 6:30 a.m., she tried his phone again, and he said, “I just have to sleep it off.” She waited all day for him to come home and then called police to press charges for using her vehicle without consent.

When some city park employees told a woman one morning that she wasn’t allowed to drink alcohol in a public park, she said, “I can drink whatever the fuck I want, where I want. I need me a drink.” When police officers arrived to ticket her for an open-container violation, she told them, “Listen here, bitch, you walk up on me, who called you? Those three guys walked up on me and tell me I can’t drink. Fuck all y’all!” The officers arrested her on a disorderly conduct charge.

An officer was driving on a road that was under construction and saw what he thought was a big orange construction barrel. Turned out it was a person who was stumbling around in the roadway, and the officer ended up arresting him on a public intoxication charge. Damn Clemson fans.

Neighborhood Drama o’ the Week: A woman reported that someone had cut the wires on her air conditioning unit, causing it to stop working. She suspects one of her neighbors did it to get revenge after a maintenance crew on her property damaged the windows on a neighboring house.

Open Containers o’ the Week: A 40-oz. bottle of beer wrapped in a plastic bag, an empty sports drink bottle with malt liquor inside, and a plastic cup full of red wine.

Weedeater o’ the Week: Police pulled a car over for improper lane usage and, while approaching the driver’s side door, noticed that the driver was chugging water from a jar as if he were trying to swallow something. The inside of the car reeked of marijuana, and the officer asked the man to open his mouth. The inside of his mouth was covered in a chewed-up, green, leafy substance. There were also bits of marijuana sprinkled on his clothes.

A man was riding a moped with two passengers on the back when someone cut him off in traffic, causing him to swerve and hit a concrete barrier. The rider and one of the passengers were both bleeding from their legs when a police officer arrived on scene, but they declined to be taken away in an ambulance.

A man was driving to church when he found a black .40-caliber pistol in the road. He got out of his car to kick it out of the roadway and report it to police. Investigating officers discovered that the gun’s safety was turned off.

A woman called police to report that her moped had been stolen. She said she had locked it to a vertical pole, but the pole was short enough that someone could have lifted the moped and slipped the lock off of the pole.

Neighbors found a man on a roof near some student apartments and helped him come down the stairs. Police arrived on the scene and asked the man where he was spending the evening, and the man said, “Wherever the wind takes me.” The officers arrested him on a disorderly conduct charge.

When police searched a man’s pockets and backpack, they found about 10 grams of marijuana, $262 in cash, and a digital scale. After he had been placed under arrest, the man said, “Just take the money and charge me with possession instead of the felony.” The officer charged him with felony possession with intent to distribute.

Police found a woman crouching between two vehicles in a parking lot with her dress lifted up peeing on the ground. She said she was the designated driver for her sorority sisters and was unable to find a restroom.

After police caught a man peeing in an alleyway about five feet away from a porta-potty, the man said he did not know it was illegal to “piss in public” because he was from New Jersey, where he urinated in public whenever he wanted.

Police found a man sitting in a park after dark with an open container of beer in each hand. Because if you’re gonna drink in public, you might as well double-fist it.

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