Blotter o’ the Week: While waiting to be strip searched, a suspect reached into the back of his underwear and pulled out two small baggies containing a white, powdery substance. The man quickly attempted to swallow the drugs before officers intervened.

Police were called to a department store in regards to a suspect huffing aerosol duster in the men’s bathroom. When asked to exit the stall, the man replied, “Mom, I’m so sorry. I will come out now.”

After being unable to start her vehicle, a woman found that some not-so-sweet vandals had filled her gas tank with sugar.

A refrigerator and washing machine were stolen from a vacant home. A neighbor told police he spoke with a man who was loading the appliances into his truck. The suspect told the neighbor that he was taking the items to his shop for repairs. Officers also found that the home had been vandalized. Paint was dumped on the floor and walls. A box of doughnuts left in the living room was urinated on, and a book was stuffed down the toilet in the master bathroom.

After colliding with another vehicle, a driver was unable to produce her license, but she did hand over an open container of vodka from her purse.

A man left his front door unlocked when he went to visit a neighbor across the hall. According to a police report, his roommate awoke to see the man’s ex-girlfriend leaving the apartment. Later, the man found a note in his new girlfriend’s purse that said, “Fuck you pieces of shit.”

In another noteworthy crime, a man called police to report that his medication had been stolen from his home. According to a police report, his former roommate left a note taped to the refrigerator that said, “I gave myself 300 Oxy. By the way, I’m leaving for Idaho.”

An officer responded to reports of an intoxicated woman stumbling into telephone poles downtown. Police located the woman lying on the ground near a bus stop, but she assured officers that she had only drunk two beers that night.

A woman called police to report that her husband “was going crazy and she did not know what to do,” according to a police report. Upon arriving at the scene, the officer found the man shouting and throwing items. At several points, the man declared himself to be Barack Obama and said he was planning to contact a lawyer to file several multimillion-dollar lawsuits.

As an officer approached a man found trespassing, the suspect dropped a small glass pipe and crushed it with his foot. When asked what he just dropped, the man responded, “Just a little stem, man. I was trying to be respectful to you.”

Police found an intoxicated man lying on the sidewalk next to his shoes and cellphone. The officer told the barefoot boozer to call his friends to come pick him up. He instead dialed 911 and asked for an ambulance before beginning to vomit.

Two men broke into a coin machine at a laundromat and took approximately $200 in quarters. The suspects remained in the store until their laundry was finished.

A fight broke out among three women downtown after one woman was suspected of stealing. One of the instigators told officers that the group has argued in the past, but on that night, “Shit popped off.”

An intoxicated man was found asleep in the bushes outside of a restaurant downtown. The man first told the officer he was just taking a nap. When asked what was wrong, he replied, “Nothing, I’m just drunk.”

An absentminded shoplifter was identified by police after leaving his wallet and driver’s license behind at the scene of the crime.

A suspect tried to ride off with the police department’s “Bait Bike,” which has a tracking device. Once officers tracked the man down, he said that a friend had given him the bike.

A lone man entered a downtown restaurant late one evening and ordered approximately $100 in drinks for himself and others at the bar. Police were contacted after the man received his bar tab and said he did not have any money.

A man was found lying on the ground with an open container of alcohol. When questioned, the man said he was, “Doing what homeless people do.”

A disgruntled customer told a cashier that she wanted a refund for the beer she had just purchased. When asked to return the beer, the customer did so by throwing the can across the counter into the cashier’s stomach.

A group of high-couture cat burglars made off with thousands of dollars worth of purses after breaking into a downtown shop.

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