Blotter o’ the Week: An officer spotted a man urinating in a parking lot. When questioned by police, the man held up his phone and said he was just visiting a PokéStop.

A shoplifter tried to exit a store with two blenders, a pot and pan set, and assorted makeup and jewelry valued at more than $600. When store staff attempted to stop the shoplifter, she began screaming. The woman later told officers that her husband was supposed to pay for the items as she walked out of the store. Police were unable to locate the woman’s husband, but they did find a small amount of crack in her pockets.

A woman posed as her sister on two separate occasions after she was busted for defrauding public accommodations and public intoxication.

Police spotted an intoxicated man lying on the sidewalk downtown and asked him what he had been drinking. The man told police that his bottle contained a finely crafted mixture of white Zinfandel wine and light beer — the perfect summer cocktail.

Officers located an intoxicated man downtown after he shouted obscenities at the manager of a restaurant and punched a car. When officers found the man, he was hiding behind a trash can, pretending to talk on his phone. Later, after the man was taken into custody, officers spotted some Xanax he had dropped in the patrol car. After pointing the pill out to the man, he simply responded, “Shit!,” according to an incident report.

A shoplifter walked into a clothing store and exchanged her shoes with a pair off the shelf before walking out.

A woman awoke one morning to find her car sitting on cinder blocks with all four wheels missing. She told officers that she suspects her neighbor of taking the wheels after his numerous attempts to become romantically involved were rejected. Like the start of all great love stories, the two had maintained a friendly relationship until the woman found out that her would-be Romeo made a copy of her house key without permission.

An employee at one grocery store is accused of eating hundreds of dollars worth of food without paying.

A man returned to his truck to find a note reading, “Park like a dick” and his truck bed littered with English muffins. According to an incident report, the man’s truck was illegally parked across three spaces.

A man was spotted slumped over on the ground next to two empty cans of Four Loko. Officers noted that the man had drool dripping from his mouth and snot running from his nose. Once officers woke the man, he was unable to say where he was or what time it was, but he did say that food was about to be served.

A man called police after learning that his 8-year-old grandson had stolen approximately $1,900 in cash from his room and distributed the money to various children in their apartment building. It is unclear whether the child is an aspiring socialist or the kids were simply playing Robin Hood.

Mall security chased a suspected shoplifter into a department store closet. After breaking into the closet, officers discovered that the squirrely suspect had pulled down a light fixture and ceiling tiles and was hiding in a crawl space above them.

A handyman received a check for $1,500 and promised his client that he would return later in the week to perform the necessary repairs. Unfortunately, when the time came, the handyman was a no-show.

An intoxicated man was found sitting in the hallway outside of his ex-girlfriend’s apartment. His former flame told officers that she had asked the man to leave earlier in the day due to his excessive drinking. As officers led the man from the building, he stumbled and fell into the bushes outside.

In a sign that pirates have reached the mainland, several propellers have been stolen from boats parked behind an apartment complex.

Police intervened after a bar patron picked a fight with a bouncer. The man was too intoxicated to explain what started the fight, saying only, “I fucked up,” according to an incident report.

After obtaining a man’s social security number and personal information, an impersonator attempted to purchase two credit card processing machines under another man’s name.

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