Blotter o’ the Week: Police responded to reports of a loud argument only to find a paranoid individual who claimed that a mysterious group was out to kill him. While peering out of his window, the man told officers that the legion of assassins drove around in a cable van watching for him. He suspects his stepfather numbers among the league of trained killers.

Witnesses claim a man stole a vehicle and then immediately crashed into a nearby tree. The owner of the vehicle, who had attempted to leap into the driver’s side window as the carjacker began to drive off, pointed out the alleged thief to police as they approached. The man attempted to flee on foot following his abbreviated car chase, but was soon apprehended.

A woman entered a room at a downtown bed and breakfast posing as a maid. After walking around the room, pretending to clean, the woman grabbed a guest’s purse and fled.

Officers found a suspect believed to have been going through people’s mail. In the man’s possession, police found dog vitamins, phone chargers, and a pair of leggings, all items which the man said he had recovered from the garbage.

An intoxicated man called police for assistance after he watched pornography on his cellphone. Police arrived to find the man in a distressed mental state, admitting that he drank “a lot of vodka,” according to an incident report. The man stated numerous times that he watched “teenie” and “granny” pornography on his phone, and asked officers to “check his phone out.”

A cab driver called police after his drunken passenger refused to pay his fare and instead went to sleep in the backseat of the vehicle. According to an incident report, the man’s pants were unfastened, partially exposing his genitals, and “his shirt was damp from some unknown substance.”

A woman suspects that her son filled her gas tank with sugar and smashed one of her headlights.

A man told police that he passed out on a bench downtown after a night of drinking, and when he awoke, another man said he had stolen the man’s cell phone and sold it to a drug dealer.

A serial masturbator continues to make obscene phone calls to local hospitals.

A man contacted police after learning that an unknown person was using his name, personal information, and photograph to meet up with women at bars on Snapchat.

A woman was asked to leave a county office after she began shouting and making aggressive gestures at those in the building. After leaving, the woman returned 10 minutes later to continue making a scene. As a part of her demands, she suggested that a male employee perform oral sex on her before she fled the scene.

Officers found an intoxicated man lying unconscious in the bushes. After waking, the man told police that he had been drinking “more than I wanted” and when asked where he was coming from, the man replied, “A lot of places.” The man was unable to offer up a plan for how he was going to get home that evening, instead telling police that he had intended to sleep in the bushes and didn’t want to talk to them.

An intoxicated driver who defecated in his pants while speaking with police was turned over to his brother to escort him home. Almost two hours later, officers again spotted the drunk driver walking to his vehicle with an 18-pack of beer. The incident report did not state whether or not the suspect had changed into a fresh pair of slacks.

Police responded to reports of a loud party downtown. Upon arriving on the scene, police heard someone in the house shout, “It’s the cops,” followed by, “Everyone get out of my house!” The officer noted that a noise complaint had been called in two days earlier for this same address.

A man reported that his gun had been stolen from his hotel room, which he had briefly shared with a couple. When asked what he was doing with the couple in the room, the man replied “We kept it real. That’s all I’m gonna say.” Other guests at the hotel told police that the man was seen sitting in the lobby of the hotel earlier in the day, loading his pistol and saying, “I’m a real gun owner now.”

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