Blotter o’ the Week: Authorities obtained video of a man defecating in front of a church, moving the fecal matter with his own hands, and resting his head to sleep in the same area where he initially did his business. There is no punch line, as we are still processing what this means.

When asked for his birth date, a man stopped for speeding told the officer that he was born in “1906.” Providing the correct year later on did not save him from the incriminating fact that he seriously claimed he was 111.

A taxi driver smashed a Mt. Pleasant woman’s windshield after their Facebook fight boiled over. Whatever’s in that comments section, we’re sure it makes for some interesting toilet literature.

A man in jeans and an inside-out olive shirt was fighting the manager of a bar when authorities arrested him. According to the manager, the “loud and boisterous” man had been fighting other staff members and even followed some customers to a different bar so he could fight some more. That’s one way to keep the party going.

A 73-year-old woman left her walker behind a store counter so she could switch over to a motorized cart. When she returned an hour later, video footage confirmed that a 60 to 75-year-old man had taken off with the walking aid, proving that old people really can get away with anything.

Authorities responded to an incident in an auto parts shop where two trucks were spray-painted with the words “fuck Charleston” and “fuck y’all.” We have a comments section if anyone else has an issue with our Burger Week picks.

A Tesla owner tried to drive away with a parking boot still attached to his tire, causing damage of about $908. At least this environmentally conscious consumer can probably afford it.

A driver informed an officer that “there may be a bag of oregano in the center console” when he was stopped for an illegal left turn. Something tells us the man’s family had a very bland chicken parm that night.

A woman seeking a divorce from her husband entered the Charleston Police Department asking for advice. After explaining her situation to an officer, including fights “over petty things,” she decided a divorce attorney would be better counsel.

A woman who had previously refused a man’s advances became worried at his increasingly aggressive attitude. When the man tried to walk into her home to “holler at her,” she threw rubbing alcohol at his face and successfully locked him out. Some stories do have happy endings.

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