Illustrations by Steve Stegelin

The Best of Blotter is taken from reports filed with Charleston Police Department throughout 2020. No one described in this section had been found guilty as of the time we originally reported it, just unlucky.

Charleston Police Department had no shortage of outlandish reports throughout the even-more-outlandish year of 2020. From folks who just can’t take a hint (or don’t care) when it comes to public intoxication to those attempting to open holes into other dimensions through the city’s sewer, these officers had their hands full. This week, we sifted through hundreds of those reports to wrap them all up in
an all-new Best of Blotter, 2020 edition. —Skyler Baldwin

Illustrations by Steve Stegelin

After a suspected drunk driver horrifically failed a field test sobriety test, the officer asked if he had been drinking in the car. The driver replied, “Drink a little.” OK there, Yoda. You’ve clearly had more than a little.

In a James Island parking lot, officers found a man next to a flipped over go-kart. He had scratches all over his legs and a bone sticking out of his arm, according to police. The victim was 50 years old. Who says adults don’t know how to have fun?

One man wearing a painted vest covered with anarchy symbols, peace signs and the phrase, “Do crime”, was surprised when officers approached, saying he matched the description of a suspected vandal. The man at first denied involvement, but later admitted to painting a white anarchy symbol on a wooden post. What a twist.

A West Ashley man had his Yeti cooler stolen from the back of his truck and later saw it for sale on Facebook Marketplace. He knew it was his cooler based on the color, the dirt and that it was listed for sale with eight cans of Miller Lite still inside.

A woman who got engaged to a man after knowing him for one day (she showed responding officers the ring) loaned her new fiancé her car. He returned neither the car nor her phone calls. Never underestimate the lengths to which people go for a 2014 Hyundai Sonata.

After pulling over a man near Folly Road, officers said the driver of a truck who was straddling both lanes of traffic and swaying back and forth in the roadway said, “I was being dumb,” and that he “did a mistake.”

The “bejesus” was scared out of a Johns Island woman when she discovered a “boulder” in her backyard. Officers advised that the rock was approximately 12 inches long and 6 inches wide. Johns Island is coming for your throne of bizarre police complaints, Daniel Island.

Police were alerted to a woman at a West Ashley bar screaming and flipping tables over. Officers noted that this resulted in a “ruined experience for several patrons.” We also hate when the experience of a dark dive bar is ruined by things that usually happen in dark dive bars.

On three separate occasions over a few weeks, a golf club was used to break through a car’s window and the club was left inside the vehicle. Further research shows a typical set contains 12 clubs, which means we have about nine weeks left.

A man’s credit card was reported stolen after the card was used by the suspected thief to order DoorDash from a popular fast food restaurant. At least the thief is complying with social distancing guidelines.

A woman who previously trespassed at a downtown fast food joint made her grand reappearance, panhandling in the drive-thru line near the main entrance. Customers were reportedly disturbed by her presence, probably due to her bold fashion choice, a black leather jacket and T-shirt, with no pants or underwear.

A downtown man decided his time was best spent trying to dismantle the legal system through radical libertarianism after officers told him he couldn’t drive his truck while under the influence. His response: “This is my truck, and I can do whatever I want with it.”

A West Ashley convenience store manager watched as a man tugged on the locked doors at the front entrance, breaking the lock and forcing a door open. He then walked into the store like this was totally ordinary. We’re pretty sure this person just witnessed an early scene in a superhero movie in real life.

An officer claimed to be able to identify the smell of alcohol due to his “prior training, knowledge and experience.” Reporter’s note: Maybe I should become a cop?

Imagine you’re invited over to see your sister’s newborn. Pretty cool, right? Now imagine you’re invited over to see your sister’s baby, but steal a phone and Chromebook while you’re over there. That’s what one West Ashley woman accused her brother of doing. He’s probably just trying to minimize the kid’s screen time.

A West Ashley driver reportedly fell asleep in the middle of her first attempt at the balance portion of the field sobriety test. She later told officers she had taken a large amount of allergy medication before getting behind the wheel. Something tells us it snot the allergies.

After being detained for driving under the influence, a man described his drunkenness quite eloquently, saying that on a scale of one to 10, one being sober and 10 being highly intoxicated, he was a solid four. But officers know: If you say you’re a four, you’re probably closer to an eight.

At a downtown clothing store, a woman was found with a bag of marijuana in her purse after knocking a display of dresses onto the ground. She was acting erratic, according to the report, telling officers that she was “looking for a wedding dress.” We’re not advocating for drug use, but do you know how stressful dress shopping is?

While patrolling downtown, an officer saw about 10 men in a circle throwing dice in front of an abandoned property with money on the ground. The officer thought it was the perfect opportunity to speak with the group and educate them about social distancing, which went about as well as one would expect.

A West Ashley man whose car was broken into found his top hat and sheet music stolen. Now all the thief needs is a cane and a monocle to complete his Mr. Peanut costume for the big piano concert.

A downtown man who had just been caught with an open can of beer tucked away in a paper bag told an officer that he had just been released from the hospital, and his doctor recommended he drink a beer immediately. Well, doctor’s orders, officer.

Police responded to a downtown college campus after receiving reports about a suspicious paper bag. Police found the bag, but the report abruptly ended without mention of what was found inside. So, it was either an unspeakable Lovecraftian horror or some sort of printer error. We like to think it’s the former. Stay weird, Charleston.

Officers responded to a small gathering around a man attempting to remove a manhole cover at a West Ashley intersection who claimed he had discovered a pathway to other dimensions via the Greek alphabet. God, we hope he is right.

A West Ashley woman reported her apartment had been broken into, and among the things stolen were 75 rounds of .308 ammunition, a book of personal account passwords, a deck of Tarot cards and $6,000 cash. We always like to piece together a profile of folks who’ve been robbed, but we are honestly struggling with this one.

An officer was sitting in a downtown gas station parking lot when an individual with superficial cuts on their wrist approached him. The victim advised he is a satanist and he cut his wrists to drink the blood “in order to ward off demons.” If those demons could bring Band-Aids and peroxide, they might be useful.

After an older member of a local church discovered that a young couple in the congregation were dating, he announced it to a group at an after-hours church meeting. After the meeting, the man who made the announcement assaulted the younger man when questioned about the public statement. This is probably just another standard, everyday case of demon possession.

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