Triple shot of Ask Dr. Jane: On confidence in bedroom, intimacy, more

EDITOR’S NOTE: We’ve been a little slack over the last few months in providing relationship columns by Dr. Jane Guyn. Here are three noew ones that you might find interesting.

Struggling with confidence in Charleston

Dear Dr. Jane,

I’m a regular reader and really appreciate your advice. I’ve noticed that many people who write in are married or in long-term relationships struggling to communicate about intimacy — and your guidance on talking openly and compassionately really resonates with me. But my situation is a little different.

I’m a 42-year-old woman who married and divorced before I was 25. We had one son, who’s now grown and out on his own. For most of the years I was raising him, I kept to myself and didn’t date much — whether that was circumstance or something else, I’m honestly not sure. But right now, I feel ready to open myself up to the possibility of romantic love again.

The problem is, whenever I start to put myself out there — on the apps, on Meetup — I get really nervous. And it’s not about meeting people or making conversation. I actually do that easily, and I have a full, active life. My anxiety is specifically about sex. So my question is: why do I struggle to feel confident in bed?

– Lacking Confidence in Charleston

Dear Lacking Confidence,

Thank you so much for sharing your story — you might be surprised how many people would recognize themselves in it.

There are a couple of things I think are worth unpacking here.

A lot of people who come to me with this concern have absorbed ideas about sex from movies and TV — mainstream or otherwise — and have quietly decided there’s a specific way to act that makes someone seem “sexy” or that will “drive men wild.” It feels like there must be a formula.

There isn’t. What actually works in the bedroom is the same thing that works everywhere else in your life: being playful, warm, a little flirty, affectionate, and genuinely present. Those qualities, brought into an intimate setting, are sexual confidence. It really comes down to being yourself — openly, easily, without apology.

MYTH #1: Most people feel sexually confident.

TRUTH: Most people are nervous about sex. It may not seem that way, but it’s true. People carry all kinds of things into the bedroom — body image worries, limited experience, past trauma, shame they were raised with. Many quietly believe these things disqualify them from being good lovers. What they don’t realize is that sex isn’t really about performance. It’s about showing up in an intimate moment and connecting openly with another person. That’s it.

MYTH #2: You need sexual confidence to be a good lover.

TRUTH: Sexual confidence is overrated — and it’s not really about you anyway. Here’s something that might reframe this for you: the most important thing your confidence does is create safety for your partner. That’s right. When you’re with someone who seems at ease, you relax. You feel comfortable saying what you want. You get out of your head and into the moment. Your confidence is a gift you give to the other person — which means it’s less about performing and more about showing up with care and openness.

MYTH #3: Lots of sexual experience is required to be sexually confident.

TRUTH: Openness, presence and genuine responsiveness are what make a good lover. When you allow yourself to be vulnerable with a partner — sharing what you want, staying curious about what they want, and really connecting — that’s what people remember. Experience helps, but it’s not the foundation. Presence is.

And here’s the thing: you’ve already been doing this. You raised a child, built a life, and kept your heart open enough to be sitting here, ready to try again. That’s not nothing — that’s actually everything. The warmth and self-awareness you bring to this question are exactly the qualities that will carry you into the bedroom with more grace than you know.

You’ve got this.

– Dr. Jane

Getting in the mood when kids are a handful at home

Dear Dr. Jane,

My husband and I have been married for 10 years and have two elementary-school-aged kids. They just got out of school, and I’m already exhausted. We love them to death, but if I’m honest, they’re a lot — our 8-year-old daughter is neurodivergent and our 6-year-old son is a whirlwind of energy. I read somewhere that you and your husband raised six kids. Honestly, I have no idea how anyone does that and survives. Kudos to you both for doing the impossible.

This question isn’t really about parenting (although it could be, LOL) — it’s about sex and intimacy. With everything we’re navigating, it’s literally impossible to imagine feeling turned on. I’ve read Emily Nagoski’s book Come As You Are, so I know I have plenty of sexual “brakes.” But I think my real problem is a lack of accelerators. How do I get myself in the mood when I’m exhausted just from day-to-day life?

– Can’t Imagine Wanting Anything but a Nap

Dear Can’t Imagine Wanting,

Thank you so much for writing — I really feel you. Those years with the kids “on break” were some of the most wonderful and exhausting of my life. It’s such a challenge to be in charge of all the fun and the house and the work and… everything else.

The most important thing to know is this: you are not broken and you’re not doing it wrong. Your nervous system simply isn’t wired to prioritize sexual desire when it’s busy running a dozen other systems at once. That’s actually a smart, protective feature, not a flaw. The animal part of our brain is designed to hold off on desire when we’re running on empty, so we don’t take on more than we can handle. It’s not a perfect system, but it makes sense.

That said, intimacy and connection are good for you, and they can genuinely help lower your stress rather than add to it. So what can you do? Here are three things to keep in mind:

1. Give yourself an off-ramp before you try to find the on-ramp. Make space to decompress after being fully “on” with the kids, work and life before trying to get in the mood. A 10- to 15-minute buffer — a shower alone, a walk, a few quiet minutes in the car — helps you exhale before you try to shift gears. Desire rarely shows up when your nervous system still thinks it’s on duty.

2. Stop waiting for spontaneous desire — build responsive desire instead. You mentioned Nagoski’s brakes and accelerators, and she’s spot on. But it’s just as important to remember her distinction between spontaneous and responsive desire. Early in a relationship, desire often seems to appear out of nowhere. Over time, though, it usually needs to be invited more intentionally — that’s responsive desire. Physical intimacy doesn’t have to be spontaneous to be amazing. You don’t need an elaborate date night to try it — responsive desire can start as simply as agreeing to some non-demand touch: a real kiss, a shoulder rub, a few minutes of cuddling with no expectation that it has to lead anywhere. Let your body catch up to the moment instead of trying to manufacture the mood before you’ve even begun.

3. Clear resentment and mental load off the table first. Camps, pickups, drop-offs, birthday parties — it’s hard not to feel resentful when you’re the one holding it all together. If that’s you, talk with your partner about the mental load of running the household and how to actually share it — not “helping,” but true co-ownership. When that balance shifts, your nervous system gets the exhale it needs, and physical intimacy has room to come back into your life.

One more thing: give yourself grace this summer especially. Some seasons of parenting are simply harder on the nervous system than others, and this is one of them. You don’t have to force intimacy to prove you still love each other — you already know that. A few small, low-pressure moments of connection now can be enough to keep the thread alive until life opens back up a little.

You’ve got this.

– Dr. Jane

How to raise kids and stay lovers

Dear Dr. Jane,

I’m a married mom of three great kids. My husband and I love each other and we’re working hard to keep intimacy alive in our marriage — but it’s been a real challenge. We both work incredibly hard at our jobs and at home. We appreciate each other, but somehow we end up in a pretty big fight after the kids go to bed at least once a week. It’s bad. And when we do try to have sex, I’m usually so upset from our latest fight that I end up in tears. Can you help us?

— Fighting Mad (and so sad)

Dear Mad and Sad,

Thank you for your honesty. I promise you’re not alone — so many couples are navigating this exact same thing right now. The truth is that most arguments aren’t planned. The house gets messy, resentment quietly builds and suddenly that small thing that’s been simmering for days explodes into something much bigger. The hard part is that you and your husband are clearly trying. That matters, and it’s actually a great place to start.

Here’s what I recommend:

1. Wait for emotional readiness. You know you need to talk about something — maybe it’s sex, money or something else that feels loaded. Before you dive in, check in with yourself and your partner: Are we actually ready to hear each other right now? Emotional readiness isn’t just about finding time on the clock. You can’t have a productive conversation when either of you is hungry, wiped out from work or running on empty. This matters for every couple, more often than most people realize.

2. Take a time-out if things get heated. The conversation has started and it’s going OK — but then you feel the tension rising in your chest. He’s clenching his jaw. You’re both getting activated. This is the moment to pause. Agree to step away for at least 30 minutes and give your nervous systems a chance to settle. If you’re still feeling worked up after 30 minutes, let it go for now and return to it when you’re both in a better place. Coming back calm is always more productive than pushing through heat.

3. Schedule regular check-ins (yes, even just for the two of you). Structured weekly time together is one of the best tools couples have for staying connected and feeling respected. Use it to go over schedules, talk through what’s coming up with the kids, discuss finances, plan meals, float ideas for the summer — whatever needs air time. Think of it less like a board meeting and more like a standing date with an agenda. Keep it to 45 minutes or less and resist the urge to turn it into a heavy processing session. Save the hard conversations for a separate time when you’re both prepared.

4. Avoid the bookend trap. Don’t try to have important conversations at the edges of the day — right before bed, or as one of you is walking out the door. Dropping “we really need to talk about our sex life” on your partner as they’re heading into a big work presentation isn’t fair to either of you. Good conversations need a real opening, not a sliver of time. When the timing is off, even good intentions can land badly.

5. Frame this as something you’re building together, not a rule you’re enforcing. Even the most thoughtful communication plan will fall flat if one partner feels cornered or managed. When you lead with genuine curiosity and care — showing that you want to understand, not just be heard — even a reluctant partner is more likely to show up. This works best when it feels like a shared commitment, not a consequence. And when it clicks? That sense of being on the same team is its own kind of intimacy.

You’ve got this.

– Dr. Jane

Dr. Jane Guyn is a nationally recognized relationship coach based in Oregon. Her column appears online monthly.