Around midnight, a man with his sweatpants down around his knees and his shirt raised above his head was scratching his back on a brick wall. He told police he was looking for a job.

DUI Bar Tab o’ the Week: Two glasses of wine, two shots of Crown Royal, and a Captain Morgan mini-bottle.

During a sobriety test, a driver was instructed to close his eyes, count off 30 seconds in his head, and then say, “Done.” The driver closed his eyes for a minute and then bragged that he had held his breath the entire time.

When an officer took away a bottle in a paper bag that a man had been drinking on the sidewalk, the man blurted out, “Man, I had just opened that beer.”

The Things They Shoplifted: Eyelash extensions, eyelash adhesive, fake fingernails, a pre-paid cell phone, and eight packs of steak.

A man told police that the white powdery substance he’d been hiding was bath salts. Actually, it was cocaine.

Legal Scholar Quote o’ the Week: “So what? It’s weed. It should be legal.”

In a halfhearted attempt at wire fraud, a crook used a woman’s credit card number to buy an iPad online … and had it shipped to the woman’s house.

A woman used multiple aliases at two different hospital emergency rooms to try to get prescription pain pills, telling one doctor she had lupus and chronic pancreatitis. She got busted when she couldn’t remember which alias she was using.

Upon returning from a week out of town, a couple found that someone had sprayed a streak of grass killer through their yard.

Fightin’ Words o’ the Week: “Go into the house! You can’t talk to my man like that!”

A teenager rear-ended someone’s car while driving with shoes on his hands.

Marijuana Hiding Place o’ the Week: A false-bottomed Motrin bottle.

After being pulled over on suspicion of driving under the influence, a man told police that he was 24 years old. A woman’s voice piped up from the passenger seat saying, “You’re 34,” and he admitted he was really 34.

Police Euphemism o’ the Week: An officer “avoided the errant strike, struck the offender twice to keep control of her [taser], and escorted the offender to the ground.”

After a bouncer refused to let a bar patron back inside, he demanded that a police officer give him a breathalyzer test to prove he was sober. The officer arrested him for public disorderly conduct and — bonus! — carrying 1.5 grams of marijuana.

Someone stole seven cymbals from a drummer’s car. Police have not been able to snare the thief.

The Blotter is taken from City of Charleston police department reports. We’ve added a cartoon and a little commentary. We’ve added a little humor, too. No one has been found guilty. This is not a court of law.

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