Blotter o’ the Week: Around 1 a.m. in a downtown bar district, a woman held her friend up while the friend vomited on the sidewalk. As the vomit spewed, curious onlookers gathered around to shoot video of the incident. A police officer walked up to ask if the puker was OK, and the woman who was holding her yelled in response, “Fuck off!”

When police stopped a drunk man in front of a hotel to question him, the man gave his name and then kept repeating, “I’m good, I’m good.” He was arrested on a charge of public intoxication.

During a home burglary, a burglar drank a bottle of Hawaiian Punch and a jug of apple juice in the kitchen. Criminals gotta hydrate too, y’know.

Around 2:30 a.m., a man was seen standing in the middle of a street with his arms in the air yelling, “Fuck you, I’m not moving!” at a taxi.

Likely Story o’ the Week: When asked how cocaine ended up in his car, a man said it might have been left by a friend he just dropped off. The friend’s name? James Dean.

Somebody stole an $88 T-shirt. First offense: the existence of an $88 T-shirt.

A man got schnockered at an Irish pub, peed his pants, refused to pay his tab, and spent an hour calling people “bitch” and “faggot.” Police came in and tasered the man when he put up a fight, and he paid his tab before being carted off to jail.

While moving furniture out of her condo, a woman placed a $500 antique chair inside an elevator. The elevator closed without her and went down, and when she caught up with it, the elevator was empty.

Stolen From Vehicles This Week: A truck tailgate, a loaded Ruger .380-caliber pistol, a Gucci backpack, a flashlight, two driver’s licenses, a Social Security card, a wallet, a bank deposit bag, $920 in cash, some papers and pens, a $500 pair of binoculars, a $1,000 pair of binoculars, an iPod Shuffle, a laptop computer, a bottle of prescription pills, $1,000 worth of “miscellaneous tackle items,” $600 worth of fishing line, $300 worth of copper fishing line, gripping tools, fishing knives, a wood planer, and a boat’s outriggers.

A man who had oxycodone in his car told police that his grandfather had given it to him for a toothache. Hell of a toothache.

A woman was arrested on a charge of public intoxication after drinking at a restaurant and flashing other customers.

Failed Swindle o’ the Week: A woman was caught on camera digging a receipt from a trash can outside a store, picking up the items listed on the receipt inside the store, and then attempting to “return” them at the customer service counter for $23.75.

Shoplifting Haul o’ the Week: A man walked out of a store carrying five packs of rib eyes and two packs of Angus steaks. Total value: $170.

Police found a man sitting in a driveway “nude, sweating profusely, and extremely disoriented,” according to an incident report. When officers asked the man for his name, he replied, “I don’t have any bath salts,” then he started “grabbing rocks, fondling his penis, and throwing his body onto the ground.”

Somebody stole 70 Adderall pills from an unsecured locker at a gym. That’s one way to stay focused on your workout.

A man was arrested on one count of possession of drug paraphernalia and one count of carrying a concealed toy pistol. No joke.

DUI Bar Tab o’ the Week: Five house vodkas, two house gins, one Grand Marnier, two Fernet Brancas, and one Jack Daniels.

Nightlife Quote o’ the Week: When asked if she had been drinking, a woman replied, “That should be obvious.” Gotta love a snarky drunk.

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