Pee Crime of the Week: Police caught three men in Citadel uniforms peeing in the same driveway at the same time. In his incident report, the officer wrote that he “saw an arching flow of liquid emanating from the offenders’ groin[s] and making small pools of liquid on the ground.”

After someone stole two iPhones, two Macbooks, and an iPad from their apartment, two roommates set out to track the burglar down, using the GPS capability on one of the phones to lead them to the thief, who was standing near the City Market with the stolen goods in his backpack. They called the cops and then followed the man until officers arrived. The Mac attack is back!

A man walked by a house one night and punched a hole in the window with his bare fist, then walked away. When police caught up to him and asked what had caused his arm to be covered in blood, he replied, “Nothing,” then said he had punched a wall.

A man was arrested for driving with a suspended license … for the fifth time. He got caught after he went straight through an intersection in the right-turn-only lane.

Somebody broke into the storage shed behind a restaurant and stole a lawn mower, a power washer, two spray painters, and a jackhammer.

A liquor store employee caught a man opening a bottle of vodka from the store and pouring it into a 20-oz. water bottle. The employee chased the booze bilker for half a block, during which time the man chugged the contents of his bottle on the run. After police arrived to arrest the man on a shoplifting charge, he puked the stolen vodka all over the sidewalk.

A man who had been put on trespass notice at a hotel was caught in the second-floor breezeway looking for a place to charge his phone.

Stolen From Vehicles This Week: A license plate, four bolts, $80 in cash, a wallet, two debit cards, two Social Security cards, two phone chargers, a compound miter saw, a reciprocating fine tool, an 18-gauge finish nailer, two battery-powered drills, three drill batteries and chargers, a tool bag containing various drill bits, an electric hammer-drill combo, a pair of electrical wire cutters, and six fishing poles.

Somebody shoplifted several seasons’ worth of Little House on the Prairie on DVD. Tsk tsk, what would Papa Ingalls have to say about that?

EMS employees and firefighters responded to a call about a man who had fallen in an intersection. When they tried to help the man to his feet, they noticed he smelled like booze. As they were helping the man up, he yelled obscenities and threats. He was taken to the hospital and given a ticket for public intoxication.

A woman was standing on the sidewalk during daylight hours when a man rode by on a bicycle and snatched her purse.

Police issued an open-container violation to a man who was seen riding his bike without lights into oncoming traffic with an open can of Pabst Blue Ribbon in his hand. Friggin’ hipsters.

A taxi driver flagged down a police officer around 3:30 a.m. to report a passenger who was unable to pay the cleanup fee after vomiting in the backseat. When the cop caught up with the passenger, she said she hadn’t realized she had thrown up and she just wanted to go home. After the woman tried and failed to get the money from a convenience store ATM, she was arrested for failure to pay a taxi fare.

A patron at a bar grabbed a fire extinguisher from the business and ran down the stairs spraying it everywhere.

After someone stole several items from her car, a woman told police that “the locks on both front doors were broken, but the doors were still able to be secured.” Secured by what, magic?

Two men who had been hired to assemble bicycles at a Walmart were caught on surveillance video stealing three flat-screen TVs from the store. This could really put the brakes on their careers.

Somebody stole a pearl necklace and a pair of sapphire and platinum earrings from a house. The owner estimated the jewelry was worth a combined $100,000.

After getting pulled over on his bike for rolling past a stop sign, a man told an officer, “Yeah, you can search me, I’m going to jail.” When the officer asked why he was going to jail, he replied, “Because I have an ounce of weed in my pocket.”

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