I’ll be brief. Shortly after lunch, I had a vision, one that doesn’t bode well for fiancee-beating asshole Ray Rice and the NFL. But if the events I have seen do come true, then the miscarriages of justice that have befallen the world of professional sports will finally be addressed. If they don’t then, well, let it serve as a reminder that the law simply doesn’t apply to professional athletes and we are complicit in their crimes. 

The Book of Revelation Part 2: The Return of Remo Williams 4:20

At half-time, Ray Rice punched Ray Lewis while the two rode an elevator to the pits of hell. Lewis promptly released a malnourished Michael Vick from his leash and ordered him to sic balls. Vick soon turned on his master and a great feast began. When the chewing stopped after Vick choked on his own excuses and Tony Dungy’s Chicken Soup bromides, Ben Roethlisberger, Kobe Bryant, and Mike Tyson formed an Ouroborus-esque rape train and OJ Simpson descended from the heavens intent on trying on a new pair of gloves. The elevator swelled like a tick that has freshly bit into an artery. The doors burst open and the crowd was drenched. At the end of the field Joe Paterno cried as he boarded a golf cart driven by Jerry Sandusky straight into the festering locker room of the Lord of Darkness. It was the best Super Bowl Half-time show ever. 

Stay cool. Support City Paper.

City Paper has been bringing the best news, food, arts, music and event coverage to the Holy City since 1997. Support our continued efforts to highlight the best of Charleston with a one-time donation or become a member of the City Paper Club.