Blotter o’ the Week: Police responded to a report of a man who was passed out on the sidewalk in front of a restaurant covered in waffle fries and chicken. They woke him up and arrested him on a public intoxication charge. Eat mor chikin, dreenk less booz.

Somebody stole two benches from in front of a bakery and really got a rise out of the owner.

A man reportedly took acid and then ran straight through a window into a hotel room, stripped off his clothes, and bled all over the bed sheets. A police officer arrived on the scene and found the naked, bloody man attempting to run through a metal gate in front of the hotel. After failing to break through the gate, the man then tried to run toward the officer, who pulled out a taser and ordered him to get on the ground. The man put up a fight, but the officer managed to cuff him and charge him with disorderly conduct and damage to real property.

Three police officers were on patrol when they saw a man sitting on the trunk of a car listening to music. The man was wanted on three warrants, so they attempted to arrest the man, at which point he swung around and punched one of the officers in the face before running away. Later, after police caught up with the man and had him cuffed in the backseat of a police cruiser, the man said, “I didn’t mean to hit you in the face. I was scared.”

An officer pulled over a driver for failing to stop at an intersection and noticed a large number of “black ice” scented air fresheners hanging from the rearview mirror. The officer asked the driver if he had anything in the car that he needed to worry about, and the driver said, “A buddy left a blunt in the center console.” The cop searched the car and found a joint in the console and a glass jar containing marijuana elsewhere in the vehicle.

A man told police that he gave a cashier at a convenience store $2 for a soda, and the cashier kept the change, saying that the man owed the store money from a previous transaction. The man demanded his change back, and the cashier allegedly came out from behind the counter, grabbed the man in a bear hug, and pushed him out the front door.

An officer saw a man peeing on a mailbox after midnight and stopped to talk to him. The man said he was not urinating, but the officer told him he had seen it happen and that he could also see a fresh puddle of urine on the sidewalk. The man fessed up and said he did it because he couldn’t find a restroom.

A man told police that he noticed his car was missing but waited a day to report it stolen because he thought his friends were playing a prank on him. With friends like these ….

An officer tried to stop a car for having overly tinted windows and ended up in a high-speed chase. When the driver finally stopped and rolled down the windows, the cop smelled marijuana and asked the people inside if they had any cocaine, heroin, or meth in the vehicle. The passengers laughed and said they didn’t know what those drugs were. One passenger did admit that he had about two ounces of marijuana in his pants, which he said he was trying to sell to pay off a Driving Under Suspension ticket. Then the officer found 76 grams of weed in a paper bag in the car and arrested the passenger on a charge of possession with intent to distribute.

Police found a rental pickup truck parked in an intersection, and the driver was nowhere to be found. As the officers waited for a tow truck to come take the pickup away, a man walked up to them, soaking wet and covered in pluff mud, and said that he was the driver. He said he had just gone for a swim.

Police pulled a man over for a defective tail light on his car and questioned him about an unusual bulge in the front of his shirt. He pulled out a big wad of paper and said, “It’s just napkins,” but the officer noticed that he had taken a glass pipe out of the wad and tried to hide it. The officer searched the vehicle and found a baggie of cocaine in the crease of one of the seats.

A man walked up to a woman on the sidewalk and asked her for money. When she refused, he cussed her out and then jumped into a construction dumpster and started throwing pieces of two-by-four boards toward pedestrians. Shortly afterward, when police found the same man riding a bicycle on the sidewalk, he immediately stopped and said, “Did someone report the bike stolen? I just found the bike down the street, and the guy told me to take it.” Police arrested him on a disorderly conduct charge but couldn’t locate the bike’s owner.

Weapons o’ the Week: A skateboard and a chair.

When a man called a cable company to set up an account, a customer service representative told him that someone had already used his name and Social Security Number to set up an account in Florida in 2013. According to the representative, the identity thief had made no payments on the account, so the man owed money for a stranger’s cable bill.

Witnesses say a man opened up the trash cans in front of a restaurant, grabbed a bunch of garbage, and threw it out onto the street. When police arrived and told the man to pick it up, he said, “I don’t care.” They arrested him on disorderly conduct and littering charges, then found an iced tea bottle full of booze on his person and tacked on an open-container charge.

Stay cool. Support City Paper.

City Paper has been bringing the best news, food, arts, music and event coverage to the Holy City since 1997. Support our continued efforts to highlight the best of Charleston with a one-time donation or become a member of the City Paper Club.