While it is widely known that the city of Charleston derived its name from King Charles II of England, the names of other communities like West Ashley and North Charleston have mostly been lost to history. We at the City Paper tasked our in-house team of historians with uncovering just how these areas came to be known by their current titles, but it is important to remember that they are a drunken and unreliable lot known to frequent Ancestry.com message boards in search of gullible marks. Do not believe their tall tales. Do not purchase their wares.

Fortunately, our modern history remains largely unwritten, as is the case with the eastern portion of the upper peninsula. While I personally would like to see the entirety of Charleston razed to make room for a single utilitarian tower crafted from steel and concrete and housing all of the city’s residents — a terrifying construct that I have dubbed The Monolith — most do not share this dream. This is a pity, as all those welcomed into The Monolith’s warm bosom would be provided a fresh jumpsuit, Victory Gin, and Logan’s Run-style life-clock crystals implanted into their hands. Instead of working toward this inspired vision, new developments continue to spread along the peninsula, and the desire to brand Charleston’s ever-changing communities has become an issue of concern.

As we wrote last week, a concerted effort is being put forth to name the Charleston peninsula’s growing upper east side. In light of this news, the City Paper decided to conduct a completely unscientific survey to gather suggestions for what we should call this pocket of the city. Before we look at the results, be reminded that these findings have no bearing on what this portion of town is ultimately called. We just wanted to give readers the opportunity to weigh in, which many of you did. Thanks for participating. That was really cool of you. Now let’s look at the results.

Much to my surprise, only about five percent of suggestions were racist, homophobic, or completely obscene. Once again, my faith in humanity is well founded.

Slightly more than 11 percent of suggestions recommended naming the community NoMo, but let’s take a look at how readers felt about the names offered in the official survey presented to stakeholders in the area. Between Newmarket, Upper Edge, and The Drum, Newmarket earned the most support by a wide margin. But what fresh ideas were recommended by readers?

Well, several suggestions consisted solely of the word “butt,” not to be confused with Butts County, Ga. Yes, we live in a big world, and I speak from experience when I say most of its worst things are kept in Georgia.

A few readers suggested we name the area after Martha Lou’s Kitchen (Martha Lou’s Neighborhood), while others were feeling a bit more inclined toward T.S. Elliot and suggested The Wasteland. Remember everyone, April is the cruelest month and crafting a unique personal brand is life’s greatest challenge.

UpChuck, West Cooper, and Upper East Side also made an appearance. And since we’re on the internet, there were also suggestions for Harambe (R.I.P.), South Park’s own Shi Tpa Town, and Landy McLandface/City McCity Face. But now let’s comb through your suggestions and hand out a few superlatives.

Best Name that is Likely Trademark Infringement

Lizard’s Thicket

Best Use of Direction

South North Chuck

Best Name for a Nightmare

Uncle Dickey’s Fun House

Best Name that Really Rolls off the Tongue

The Gross Paper Mill area that makes people not want to live there. (Yes, the name is even punctuated.)

Best Names that Might Actually Work

East Pen, Lockeborough, Wraggsborough, Morrison, North Edge, Easton, Cooper Bluffs, Cambray’s Cut, Stoney Bluff, King’s Crossing, Simmonsville, Etiwan Hill

Best Name that Will Definitely Not Work

The Dumpsta

Keep the City Paper free

We don't have a paywall. Each week's printed issue is free. We're local, independent and free. Let's keep it this way.

Please consider a donation of $100 to keep the City Paper free. Donate: chscp.us