The Blotter is taken from Charleston Police Department reports. We’ve added a cartoon and a little commentary. We’ve added a little humor, too. No one has been found guilty. This is not a court of law.

Blotter o’ the week: During a farmers market in Marion Square, a man began screaming and hitting his head against a tree. The plant must not have learned its lesson, because he proceeded to climb the tree and scream from the top of it. Police arrived shortly after.

A man was found asleep on a public bench. Right next to his head in the shrubs was a handgun, which he said was not his “due to being a convicted felon.”

A woman awoke one morning to find that her and her husband’s wedding rings were missing from their bedside, where they placed them the day before. This is either a theft or the most unnecessary way of saying, “Honey, I want a divorce.”

One man discovered a golf ball-sized crack in his fireplace’s glass door. He suspects his neighbor in the next door apartment who he has a regular feud with. It must be nice living in a sitcom.

A man ran out of a CVS with a stolen bottle of prescription pills. When he got to his friend’s car, he told him to quickly drive away. His friend refused to help in the theft, keeping the car in park until the police arrived. They probably should have discussed this beforehand.

Police found a Sublime vape cartridge, 5 grams of marijuana, and a Band of Horses marijuana holder inside a man’s vehicle. Judging by his taste in music, weed is probably a hobby of his.

During a simple assault, a man pulled a “whole knife” on someone, according to a police report.

A man awoke one morning to find that the $700 he had stashed away in a Newport cigarette container was missing. Christmas must have come early for one chain-smoking thief.

When a man recovered his stolen truck, he found a device titled “Suck My Dick” connected to his car’s Bluetooth.

An offender already placed on trespass notice entered a West Ashley convenient store to ask if there was any free food.

A downtown woman was followed by a white van with a Meals on Wheels sticker. The driver drove next to her and attempted to convince her to get inside the vehicle. She did not and upon recounting the incident to her younger sisters, she discovered that they had similar interactions with the driver.

One handgun was stolen from an unlocked vehicle. One rifle, one shotgun, two pellet guns, and a handgun were stolen from a locked house.

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