This is without a doubt the most difficult post I’ve ever written. Right now, as I write this, I’m a bundle of nerves. I’m like a kid on Christmas Eve, a bride on her wedding day, a honey badger on spotting a cobra. See, Nikki Haley’s memoir, Can’t is Not an Option, comes out today, and I just can’t wait to get my hands on it. I hope that the book doesn’t arrive at the office before we’ve put the latest issue to bed, because I won’t be able to stop myself from reading it. I’m just too excited.

I’m not exactly sure what to expect from the memoir. From Anonymous’ Go Ask Alice to James Frey’s A Million Little Pieces to, well, just about every memoir that has topped the bestseller list, I expect it to be a fictionalized, narratively cohesive account of a Haley’s life — that is if the good guv grew up in a Lifetime movie and not Bamberg, S.C.

Which is why I don’t expect the following things to be in the book at all:

1. The truth about her relationship with Will Folks. And I don’t mean all of that he-said, she-said did-they-bump-uglies-or-did-they-not bullshit. I’m talking about the business relationship between Folks and Haley. Although the guv had hired the notorious blogger to do consulting work for her, Nikki has maintained that she barely even knows who Sic Willie is.

2. The current whereabouts of the Lexington Medical Center application phantom — you know, the sinister spook who filled out Haley’s job application and indicated that her salary was over $100,000 more than what she had reported to Uncle Sam.

3. A refutation of Renee Dudley’s account of Haley’s expensive jaunt to Paris and a discussion of the aftermath of Nikki’s decision to call Dudley a “little girl.”

4. Any mention of the fact that her sister Simran Singh is a new-age guru who believes in the numerological power of the LED time stamp 11:11 and the need for gullible suburbanites to hand over their money for a bit of hokey pyramid therapy and other such bullshit.

Instead, I’m betting we’re going to get a lot of pulpit-ready, self-help circuit-primed homilies for the affluenza-afflicted soul.

Note: If you’re interested getting Nikki Haley to sign a copy of her memoir, hit up Blue Bicycle Books Mon. April 9 at 6 p.m. You must buy a copy of Can’t is Not an Option at the event for Haley to sign it. Contact Blue Bike to reserve your copy.

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