Like many of you, I spent the better part of the weekend reading Michael Wolff’s molotov tell-all, Fire and Fury: Inside the Trump White House,: and so far, it’s everything I expected it to be.
From the stories about the Trump campaign’s Election Day nightmare — aside from Steve Bannon, no one in DJT’s inner circle wanted to win — to Trump’s constant need for approval from smarter, more successful businessmen who viewed him as little more than the Clown Prince of New York City, Fire and Fury is a hilarious romp on par with Confederacy of Dunces, the collected Hitchhiker’s Guide series, and Catherine Templeton’s two-day flip-flop on the Dominion Energy’s bid to buy SCANA at a bargain basement deal.
It’s simply amazing that such a book exists. And it’s further proof that we are not witnessing the rise of an American dictator; instead, we’re smack dab in the middle of an American Mein Komedy.
But while most of the book’s biggest revelations have been made public — like The Donald’s McDonald’s addiction being fueled by a fear of being poisoned — some have not been disseminated via broadsheet, cable, or the abyss of your personal, hand-held black mirror, that abyss that starred long and deep into your soul and realized you had a penchant for the same sort of water sports that Trump himself reportedly favors, albeit a fetish subset involving the overworked carriage horses in the Market. No amount of high-pressure washing can make that stench go away.
So without further ado, here’s the best of the worst of the best worst revelations about the Trump White House.
1. Melania Trump was not actually standing beside The Donald on his inauguration day. Instead, it was her body double, Helga, a former Slavic street urchin Trump discovered on Back Pages. Melania stayed at home with a headache, a not uncommon occurrence.
2. Despite reports in the mainstream media, Trump doesn’t wander around the White House in a bathrobe during the wee-wee hours of the night. In fact, he wears the same Incredible Hulk Underoos he bought in 1983. They have never been washed.
3. Each morning after he rises from his crypt, Steve Bannon splashes his face with holy water and then gets dressed in front of a mirror, a befuddling habit for a 152-year-old vampire.
4. Tiffany Trump is a figment of our collective imagination. See Chuck Cunningham, “Happy Days.”
5. Senior Policy Advisor Stephen Miller runs Wendy’s social media account.
6. Chief of Staff John Kelly was forced to give Trump a complimentary football-shaped phone the general received from “Sports Illustrated” 25 years ago to appease the president’s persistent desire to hold the nuclear football in his hands.
7. Speaking of Trump’s hands, they’re not tiny at all. It’s an old cinematographer’s trick called forced perspective.
8. Trump replaced the bust of Martin Luther King Jr. with one of Don King. Sadly, no one has noticed.
9. Barron Trump has never played Minecraft. WTF?
10. Ivanka and Jared Kushner are actually a ventriloquist act. And honestly speaking, they’re not a very good one.
11. At approximately 3:45 a.m. every night, former White House Communications Director Anthony Scaramucci astrally projects into Trump’s sleeping quarters to watch the president as he slumbers.
12. This past Christmas Jacob Marley paid a visit the 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. Needless to say, his warnings went unheeded.
13. Omarosa was fired for being a Reylo shipper before it was cool to be a Reylo shipper.
14. Secretary of State Rex Tillerson has never smiled in his life.
15. Former President Barack Obama did not tap the phones at Trump Tower, but he still places calls to the Oval Office and asks Trump if the refrigerator is running. POTUS falls for it every time.
16. Sean Spicer had discovered the location of the Secret Garden in the Rose Garden bushes.
17. The original title of the book was Fire and Furries, but Wolff and his publishers decided that some details, no matter how consensual, err consequential, should be left out for fear of irreparably damaging our nation’s credibility.
18. Oprah is already picking out new china.
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